Why it takes me getting sick lots in a short amount of time to kick me into gear and "grow up" or "change" I'm not sure, but I really need to stop it!
I've realized every time I get sick or can't function normally on and off for a few months is when it clicks I need to change something. In the past 3-4 months I've been different kind of sick 5 times! A few of those miserably enough I just wanted to die, when you just feel so low and cannot fix or heal yourself fast enough. This also doesn't include the pregnant morning type sicknesses I would also get.
I don't get sick often so this has been a HUGE struggle and trial for me and made me feel pretty darn low and helpless especially as a mother since I then can't even fulfill some of the necessary requirements of a mom.
(This will be all over the place because I haven't written in a long time)
I got a blessing recently and in it i'm always reminded we are given trials for a reason not just because. So then I start pondering to why this trial and what needs to change. And I could be wrong in my conclusion but it's a start and a change anyways. If you've never felt this way this may seem harsh but until you feel it you have no idea how easily it can take over.
I've been stressing A LOT without realizing it, about this pregnancy and baby. It's So different from my others then i'm constantly worrying if I will love her or if we will even bond well and is everything okay. Instead of praying to love her and to being grateful for all we've been blessed with. And stressing instead about space and what to get rid of to make room and how long we will stay here and will we have enough food and strength to take on 3 kids. I mean so many things! Isaac will love her no doubt but how will Jackson do are we gonna struggle a lot? My mom isn't here so what if my labor is faster then Jacksons was, I could have her in the apartment I mean so many unknowns and I struggle with unknowns and not being able to plan very well. Needing back up plans etc.
And I think in all the differences and less family around (even though I have lots of friends I know would be willing to help) I'm pretty sure I've been making myself sick over it all. And that's why I've been unsocial and not myself I've let the stress get to me and weigh me down and blamed it on the baby and pregnancy instead of it being my own fault.
SOOO anyways as much as i'm excited for a girl I am worried also about if i'm going to do okay with a girl. I know I will but its easy to worry.
Anyways I need to refocus my thoughts on relying on that God sent me her for a reason and that I need to know that some of the greatest things happen/come from the unknown situations.
Though I can't base the future off of this difficult pregnancy, I've come to one thought that if we do really want a 4th (I always have) we may adopt that time lol which I've always wanted to do that. That will be way far in the future though like maybe 4 years.
The constant rain and cold weather and up and down weather and very little sunshine has not helped and I haven't been working out, its been difficult while sick but may start walking on the treadmill every so often to just get some movement since I don't move much now a days.
We've also come to thoughts of working on a few things getting vitamins back in our routine, helping the boys better with hand washing (their one step stool they still cant reach the sink by themselves so don't like always having to pick them up etc.), brushing their teeth better: we've got once a day down good but the 2nd time a day is hit or miss.
Lately when we've been sick Spencer & I have taken turns on being sick so it was helpful but this time we all got sick around the same time....that was super duper rough! And I realized i'm not big in asking people for help, on little things yes but when it comes to being sick or cleaning the house I just don't want to impose someone to possibly get our germs or watch my boys etc.
In general though i'm still working on getting back into praying daily and reading more into my scriptures. And really trying to work on keeping my phone down more.
I was 25 weeks on Wednesday (its going by faster). Everything they say still looks good, somedays she moves more then others but she is hitting harder. I still worry about her growing, I feel like i'm so small which isn't always a bad thing. When I take my next monthly picture I will do a comparison to see if I am getting bigger. I probably am and just grow her differently then the boys.
As we get more and more things to prepare for her, I will feel less stressed i'm sure. We really just need a few big items and diapers and wipes. And in a few months should be getting a bigger car which will be SO great, and i'm very very excited for this!
The boys still keep me on my toes and give me lots of love and keep me going. Isaac always wants to play or do something with someone, he doesn't like being bored. Jackson always getting into things and making messes. They both are learning more and more words and making more sentences and enjoy when friends come over or we go somewhere to play (sicknesses have kept us from doing this as often as we used to)
