Analyzing yourself

We've been in Oregon for 11 months! I feel like I've lived here my whole life, I feel so connected to Oregon. Most of that is because within these 11 months I feel I've grown so much more then I grew in the last 24 years of my life.
Yesterday I was reflecting on how many things I've changed either big or small and how I've stuck with those changes. And i'm constantly seeing all these other things I would like to change. And taking on new changes little by little. (too many changes at once could soon all fall apart)

Just to list a few changes I've made:

Working out, started in November or October and I haven't stopped! And I've come a long way! I now don't rely on classes to keep me going or other people to keep me going. I go because I want to grow and become the best version of myself. I now don't mind doing work outs by myself and I even found a work out routine I do on my own and sometimes I even add to it. I can tell i'm getting stronger. (eating healthy is a different story lol i'm better but not like I should be)

Since that dentist appointment of bad news I've been SUPER awesome at keeping my teeth even more clean before and they feel great! Our the cavities gone....don't know yet but i'm proud of myself.

Scripture reading EVERY morning, I still do it! I've learned so much, and found such comfort and power in the scriptures and some amazing scriptures that touched my heart. Along with this I also still do my personal morning and evening prayers!

Also EVERY evening as a family we read scriptures together and say prayer! And even though the kids rarely ever sit still and listen to it I know its making an impact. Isaac will now say "we need to read our scriptures" if we didn't grab them before we went in their room yet. That touches my heart!

I was talking last night with a very sweet friend of mine and did my typical explaining how I over think EVERYTHING! And jump to negative conclusions and explained why I think I do what I do etc.
And she goes it seems like you have thing figured out.

I had never thought about that before. I know myself more then I thought I knew myself. (there are still things I haven't figured out) I analyze myself SO much but in doing that I've found the why the things I do which then helps me know what to do and how to start to fix them.

One by one of course but when I know i'm ready to take the huge steps the change whatever the thing is then I stick with it. You have to get in that low and deep thinking to realize you don't want to feel that way anymore so "lets make a change" comes into your head.

We are just all always so hard on ourselves but people don't always see all those things in us.
I once got pointed out about my hand gesturing while I talk, I never realized I did it. But a friend once said the way I did it was beautiful and that I shouldn't stop doing it. I never would have thought about it that way.

I've felt so much living in Oregon and we've figured out the next steps we want to take as a couple and a family and we go on adventures together and loving every minute of it! I'm a full of gratitude and love. I've learned my lows and what to try and do to escape those moments and who's true and helps make my life whole.

-Family updates-
Isaac- He is potty trained, it went A LOT better then I expected and he is just so cute and grown up. I just love it! He also moved to a toddler bed and did an AMAZING move to that too. We got rid of the crib and he cried "don't give away my bed, that's my baby bed." it was so sad and I didn't think he would be so upset about it.

Jackson- Tried the toddler bed....he still needs to be restrained haha He is learning so many new words and his new favorite is "mine" so that's been a blast to hear daily. He is learning to crawl up bigger things. And he LOVES cheese.

They help each other to get into things but they are so happy, smiley, giggly, and fairly well behaved and i'm just so proud and love them so much! (i'm sure I missed something)

The end of life

My last grandparent passed away on Monday, Grandma Moore (my moms mom). I think death in general always makes you think about life more deeply. I knew it was coming soon and I wasn't totally sad because the last few years of her life she was slowly slipping away but doesn't mean I didn't ache over it.
In general though i'm not one to cry right away when i'm hurt especially in front of people. Maybe its because I feel it makes me weak or when I do cry I then can't control it. It's not easy to stop and i'd rather not look like a mess in front of people and so exposed. But maybe not crying also makes people think i'm being rude..... I am usually more broken inside over things then I may look on the outside. Neither way is wrong but just thought i'd explain who I am.

So fairly last minute I quickly got a plane ticket and Spencer stayed home with the boys and I headed to Iowa. My sweet friend dropped me off at the airport Wednesday morning and I arrived in Iowa Wednesday night.

Back story: My parents are both originally from Iowa and most of the family has stayed in Iowa, since moving to Utah we don't get to go see them very often. It was sad it took my grandmas death to get pretty much all of us there but it was MUCH needed!

My family especially the Tripp side (my moms side) are weird and crazy and I love it!

My parents picked my brother and I up from the airport and my sisters were already in the car. The little drive to my Uncle Fred's house brought back awesome memories from growing up. It rarely ever is just the parents and us kids alone now that we all have little families of our own. The joking around and laughing just made me so happy that I could be there.

Side note: I had no phone service while in Iowa :/ which was super hard for me lol If I had internet I could do a few things but I was phoneless. I think I really needed to be though.

Thursday afternoon we went over to my Uncle Larry's house to get together with more family before the viewing that evening. BEST DAY EVER, we all laughed so hard my cheeks hurt and I got a headache. I just loved every minute of it, it brought back fun times as a kid only this time I was part of the grown up crazy conversations. So our family is crazy especially all together but what I love is our relationship status's are all different, we are different color, and different religions, and now live all over but when we come together that doesn't matter at all! We have so much love and life for each other. It touched my heart and made me realize how important and amazing relationship with family is. You don't have to see each other daily to know that we care.

The viewing was interesting. I think open caskets are good and bad and everyone thinks differently. For me the few days before she died the pictures I saw of her were horrible, it wasn't the grandma I knew and remembered. When I saw it was open casket I was very nervous. But when I saw here WOW she looked AMAZING! And it made me not so sad but I will say she looked like a wax figure and when I would glance over I kept thinking she was going to pop awake lol
For me I would rather see once quick and then close and be done. Sadly I had to see her for multiple hours like that and for two days.
I've also noticed sometimes I crack jokes to distract myself from situations like that.

Lots of people came, and were so sweet and all reacted so differently. I was really glad to be there for my mom though, and that all of us kids could be. And all of my Grandmas kids came too :)
-I didn't realize how long we were going to be there so I went from 12-8pm with no food. I felt like a little complaining kids cuz I was STARVING and dizzy from lack of water and food but I made it through! lol We didn't really know everyone even though most was family so it was hard to just sit around doing nothing. They spoke a little at the end. Her second eldest son, my uncle spoke and we learned that she had a really hard life. I never would have guessed! And then he read a letter that my mom wrote to her....that is when my tears almost came. What a beautiful written letter!
Afterwards we went out to eat pizza and it was delicious and hit the spot!!

Friday morning was the funeral. We got up early and ready and headed to the church. I would like to point out that this was the firsts viewing and funeral that I stayed for everything and this is the first non Mormon funeral I've been too.
We as a family had to surround and watch them close the casket, wow that's really hard. I think because its closing her off and you truly wont see her on earth again. I could of cried then but I held back because I wasn't going to cry, I wasn't going to let myself do that because I know she is in a better place, and happy and healthy and I will see her again.

After that was the service, to be honest I felt SUPER uncomfortable over it. Its just a lot I don't know, and not what we do funeral wise. And when you don't know why they do what they do and don't know when to repeat things you feel weird. But it was interesting to watch. Then we met at the graveyard to say a few words and they buried her.

Later we all met again to hang out and then even later to talk and laugh some more. It's a beautiful thing and I think she would be truly happy that a lot of us all could come and we enjoyed our time together.

Saturday morning my dad dropped me off at the airport. I was ready to come home and Spencer did an amazing job watching the boys and I'm very thankful to him!

On my first flight this video came to mind
Men's Hearts Shall Fail Them- Elder Russell M. Nelson
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EMwKxmTLaCs

And as I was on that plane looking out the window at the wing, I thought to myself if this plane were to come crashing down how would I feel. And wow Peace, and calm enveloped me. I felt such at peace with my life and how i'm living it and the choices I've made lately that if I had to die in that moment I was really okay with it. (the crashing and painful part of the plane going down wouldn't be awesome to feel and look forward to lol) And how much love I felt from Heavenly Father that he was proud of the choices I have been making. I would hate to leave my loved ones behind but I knew that if it was time, I was at total peace with it. It opened my eyes to life and how blessed I truly am. Doesn't mean that i'm mistake free or that I won't continue to do somethings wrong but that I am on the right path and I know he is very happy with me. A scripture had come to mind with this, its one of my favorites: John 14: 27 "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."

I safely arrived home and missed my husband and kids so much and I know they missed me <3
It was a trip that I didn't know I needed, but I feel changed and refreshed!

I miss Grandma Moore but it was her time and I know that she is looking down on all of us and smiling. And that even though she had some very hard moments in life she let them go and put them in the past, which is what we all should do. Move forward =]