I've been so surprised how different every pregnancy can be. I am going to say a lot of what I've said in past posts. But I still can't wrap my head around it.
And I still can't believe how even a little or big can make effect you so much. Even though this pregnancy was planned it's thrown me off so much that I've fallen from the high I was on in life that I can't seem to grasp things as tightly.
I am just not me but I think a big part of that is because I've fallen from the things that made me me!
And part this pregnancy has changed my hormonal and feelings into so much confusion. lol
I'm there but not always truly there.
Yesterday I woke up and was talking to myself in my head about how I was feeling maybe even expressing to God through my head how I was feeling. That I didn't like how I felt and that even though others have felt this way it still doesn't mean they completely understand how i'm feeling what i'm feeling. It was fast Sunday so in sacrament meeting people could go up and bare their testimonies. And the first couple really fit like they were meant for me. The first one came up and said how that as teenagers we feel like no one truly understands us (but really this as anytime in your life) and that God knows what we are truly going through because He went through it for us. I knew/ know this but sometimes hearing it through someone else is so touching and just hearing it out loud. Then someone else talked about how its hard to trust but God knows where we need to go in life and to trust Him to lead us there and follow His guidance. It doesn't mean its always going to be a smooth ride but we will get there.
Anyways it was just a lot of good stuff. And I've been thinking since I've been reading this book. "Heaven is Real" there was one point the boy constantly kept telling his parents that Jesus really loves his children! And how much He loves us but children!! It hit me, although I love my kids its so easy to blow up or get frustrated with them. Because we don't understand each other, they don't mean to break rules (mostly when young young) they just want to be loved and make you proud. And they are trying and they will forget. I mean we forget things and stop doing things we should and that probably hurts God so much. But I always feel bad when I snap and yell and when I read that it just hit me hard on how much we break them every time we yell and get mad. We are trying to obviously help strengthen them to be these amazing kids, that's the goal anyways. And how home should always be a heaven and safe place for them where we don't kick them when their down and we approach things a better way (easier said then done but always a work in progress). Hopefully this all makes sense.
So every day is different some days i'm emotionally better on the inside then others but ever feel 100%. I would not say i'm depressed i'm not super low just feel off and don't like it.
Anyways so Wednesday I will be 16 weeks, i feel about the same size. I sleep decent enough. I don't have to eat as constantly but its best if I do. I feel I haven't felt it move since 13 1/2 to 14 weeks. So I've been going crazy. A lot of times at night I feel I feel it while i'm half asleep but i'm not sure if that's a dream or real lol I've never had a mover at night only but this baby has already shown to be different. My next appointment isn't until the 30th so if I don't feel movement as I get farther along I will truly worry more its just what you do when your not to that bigger stage yet to feeling more often. But if something did happen its already happened so they can fix that so really just waiting, no cramping or bleeding so unless I see that I really don't have anything to worry off besides movement which isn't consistent enough at this week to hold strong too.
I'm just rambling, no cravings I still don't like red sauces so my pizzas are only tiny drops of red sauce or none at all. And I still have very little excitement this pregnancy, maybe when i feel it more things will change. And I know it sounds bad but if its another boy I will be upset, i will get over it but it maybe being a girl is one thing I've been holding on to to get me through.
I still miss working out SO much. I go work out but its not the same. There was more I was going to talk about that I've been thinking about but cant remember.
The boys are totally sensing change because they've been ridiculous (for my kids not compared to others) and ahhhh! So emotional about things, never listen. Jackson has been fighting naps, and Isaac doesn't take naps anymore and Jackson is always picking on Isaac etc its just annoying. But I've been finally cleaning and doing dishes and laundry better etc so yay. Christmas is set up and we are pretty much ready!
Its all over the place but that's really how my brain has been lately. and basically no one would fully understand but being very less sick then i was has helped me function better.
