A little while ago I realized that those of my friends without kids always loved their friends kids or nieces/nephews etc... and were so excited to do fun crazy things with them. I used to be like that with my nephew
It's like once you become a parent your priority is to keep your children alive and so the fun part lacks. Not that you cant have fun with your kids but i'm tired from focusing on making sure they are safe.
Some days I have a burst of fun but its exhausting keeping kids alive haha That's no excuse though.
Part of why I starting working out more is to get more energy to have fun with my kids.
But man it is so easy to be lazy and just let them play especially when there are two of them and they can play together.
I think I'm going to plan to do at least 30 mins each day of fun crazy playing with them.
I thought I would have more to say about this but that pretty much sums it up =]
Tuesday, January 26, 2016
Friday, January 15, 2016
Motherly Struggle
I have been blessed with pretty calm children. For the most part they listen to me too and are fairly well behaved.
Lately though when I take Isaac anywhere he is doing really well playing. I am a mother that watches them as much as possible but I don't overly hover. But they are young enough that I need to watch them.
I watch them as best as any mother can with having more then 1 child. Isaac is doing well for while and then I look down at Jackson for 5 seconds maybe and look up and Isaac is GONE.
He will just vanish he is small and fast. And even if he was wearing a bright colored shirt I don't see him. One time I didn't even have Jackson with me and still he somehow got by me (I wasn't even looking down at my phone)
My heart drops as I try to find him as fast as possible and pray that in that short time nothing happened to him.
Once I find him its a huge sigh of relief and I try to explain to him in different ways each time that its not okay to leave me without telling me your leaving especially if its to another room or the other side of a huge crowded area.
Every time he cries when I try to explain rights and wrongs of the situation. And I can only do it so well because while doing it i'm also holding on to Jackson so he wont squirm away and vanish too.
He's just at an age that he still doesn't fully grasp that if he leaves he might not find me. Because I've always found him before he realized he doesn't know where I am. He never gets that scared feeling, maybe he needs to feel that to know and understand.
He leaves because he knows there is something better somewhere else or because he just wants to follow "big kids" or he is just done.
It's one of my big nightmares of losing my children, what mother doesn't have that nightmare. There are several living it! And my heart breaks for them.
I will sometimes have moments of how could you lose your children and not notice or whatever. But I watch my children fairly closing and still some how they escape and it reminds me that you don't know anyone's story or situation.
If anything happened I'm sure I would blame myself and go through that whole grieving process but right now I know i'm doing the best I can do for now. And I just have to keep having talks with him until hopefully it sinks in.
I would love more children but every time something like this happens I just think how much harder it would be with more to keep track of them. I mean hopefully Isaac would be better by then and Jackson too but its in my thoughts when deciding the future that's for sure.
It's not fun feeling that way, so scared, worried, and clueless of where your children may have vanished too. And I debt not taking them places without 2 adults but I can't live my life in fear of that everyday and never do things. Him and I will just have to learn what works for us.
I pray every day or night that I can do my best to keep them safe.
If you have advice you can share not that all will work but doesn't hurt to see. Isaac is 2 1/2 and Jackson is 14 months just to realize how much they can understand.
Please be kind too because like I said you may not know how well I keep track of them or don't.
Lately though when I take Isaac anywhere he is doing really well playing. I am a mother that watches them as much as possible but I don't overly hover. But they are young enough that I need to watch them.
I watch them as best as any mother can with having more then 1 child. Isaac is doing well for while and then I look down at Jackson for 5 seconds maybe and look up and Isaac is GONE.
He will just vanish he is small and fast. And even if he was wearing a bright colored shirt I don't see him. One time I didn't even have Jackson with me and still he somehow got by me (I wasn't even looking down at my phone)
My heart drops as I try to find him as fast as possible and pray that in that short time nothing happened to him.
Once I find him its a huge sigh of relief and I try to explain to him in different ways each time that its not okay to leave me without telling me your leaving especially if its to another room or the other side of a huge crowded area.
Every time he cries when I try to explain rights and wrongs of the situation. And I can only do it so well because while doing it i'm also holding on to Jackson so he wont squirm away and vanish too.
He's just at an age that he still doesn't fully grasp that if he leaves he might not find me. Because I've always found him before he realized he doesn't know where I am. He never gets that scared feeling, maybe he needs to feel that to know and understand.
He leaves because he knows there is something better somewhere else or because he just wants to follow "big kids" or he is just done.
It's one of my big nightmares of losing my children, what mother doesn't have that nightmare. There are several living it! And my heart breaks for them.
I will sometimes have moments of how could you lose your children and not notice or whatever. But I watch my children fairly closing and still some how they escape and it reminds me that you don't know anyone's story or situation.
If anything happened I'm sure I would blame myself and go through that whole grieving process but right now I know i'm doing the best I can do for now. And I just have to keep having talks with him until hopefully it sinks in.
I would love more children but every time something like this happens I just think how much harder it would be with more to keep track of them. I mean hopefully Isaac would be better by then and Jackson too but its in my thoughts when deciding the future that's for sure.
It's not fun feeling that way, so scared, worried, and clueless of where your children may have vanished too. And I debt not taking them places without 2 adults but I can't live my life in fear of that everyday and never do things. Him and I will just have to learn what works for us.
I pray every day or night that I can do my best to keep them safe.
If you have advice you can share not that all will work but doesn't hurt to see. Isaac is 2 1/2 and Jackson is 14 months just to realize how much they can understand.
Please be kind too because like I said you may not know how well I keep track of them or don't.
Saturday, January 9, 2016
Lets Be Real
Here is an update of my work out, eating and thought process since I started working out a little over two months ago, just a warning I'm going to be fairly honest.
Once you start becoming a healthier person you notice bad habits about yourself. And just because I've become consistent and dedicated to working out every day (with my much needed breaks) does that mean my life is so much better then it was. I am now hit with even more frustrations that apparently I buried in my comfortable lazy way of living.
I do believe that a lot of you, women especially might think or feel these same things but we don't talk about them because we think people are going to think we need some kind of help. We probably all need help lol
I LOVE working out, it really gives you that sense of accomplishment once you get on a routine of completing workouts and noticing your doing better then you were from the beginning: lifting for longer or heavier weights, running longer or at a faster speed, or keeping up with the pace better....
You might even notice your body is actually changing. You've lost weight, you just look different, or clothes are fitting you differently. That feeling is an amazing feeling I've experience a few of these but sadly it doesn't last.
I've realized it's a daily sometimes hourly thing. Battling that "but I'm still not good enough feeling" we probably will never be where we want to be. The world so easily makes us believe we are never good enough even if we are trying as hard as we can.
We compare ourselves to others, not all of us but it happens. We are all physically built so different so we will never be like another person even if we worked really hard for it.
There was a blog I read once about not trying to get back to the body you had before babies because your not going to be the same again. Having a child changes you and you should love and accept the new body you have. I am amazed that our bodies cant carry children and deliver them but it still takes getting used to =] I have a little bit bigger hips then I used it and I feel it throws everything off but its true you should love your new body style then your old one.
I've picked a goal to work towards becoming a teacher for a core class. That's a great goal but each day I still doubt my abilities, not just physically but personality wise. But I read somewhere that (you should try for things out of your comfort zone because you might be surprised at how well you might do that new thing )
So it keeps me thinking that maybe I just might be better then I think
I LOVE and HATE the gym setting :)
You can find awesome support from people you know or barely know. There are some great people out there who want you to achieve your goals or just want to help you be a better you.
But there are also those people who've been going for years and you think I'm never going to look like that or be able to do that. You've really have to not focus on that but it can creep him.
Let's talk sauna/steam room for a moment haha
Love them, their relaxing and just awesome. And you can go in anyway you choose: fully clothed, bathing suit, towel, naked.... doesn't matter. It's a mix of every type and every style of body. And those women that come it naked really don't care what people think of them and are proud of how they look, even if their body type isn't the way the world says it should be.
I would love that confidence. I may have confident days here and there but I don't think I would ever be that confident. And in general it's just uncomfortable to share a room with that but that's just my personality.
Some days I feel like such a small, weak little duckling in the gym setting and some days I feel powerful and strong.
I'm hitting all areas, ive slacked on running a bit but try to get it in 1-2 days a week. I do get cardio in and strength training through classes. And like I said earlier I have noticed changes. I have some pants getting looser and some days I can tell I'm stronger and I've lost maybe 2 pounds since starting my journey.
Here is another flaw that I'm not proud of and I struggle with it daily. I think I've struggled most of my life but until I changed my habits I didn't realize how bad it was. And a lot of people aren't going to really understand this.
You see those shirts that say things like "I run because I love food." Etc.
I hate food.... there are days I won't eat when I'm hungry because it's too much work or makes dishes or if I eat more that means I'm going to have to spend more money on food.
Since I've been working out I'm burning calories so I need to eat more, this is difficult for me. And I started feeling sick on and off for days because I wasn't getting the calories I needed for the new lifestyle I've chosen.
As a mom it's always very easy to forget to eat a meal because your feeding your kids or doing errands. But the sickness was starting to be hard to handle while taking care of kids so I knew I needed to change my ways.
1. I have a calender full of what I should eat so I can prepare ahead of time or not sit trying to figure out what to eat
2. I have alarms that go off every two hours to remind me to eat a snack and or meal. Because time sometimes flies.
So far I haven't been as sick but it isn't easy. Like I said a hate food and now having to eat even more of it is honestly hard for me. Being a picky eater of course limits I food options which can make eating more difficult because i sometimes eat the same things all the time.
Anyways it's a daily struggle in so many areas.
And I can say I do eat healthier then I used to, their is rarely any ice cream or chocolate in the house and I don't even realize it most days.
I also don't wake up as sore as I used to that first month. I wake up in a different kind of sore or that i can tell I worked out but it's manageable to get up in the mornings :)
I'm a bit more active through out the day and want to get out and do things but I still have my lazy setting which is needed here and there! But should use the energy bursts I do get towards cleaning the house better... my next weak area that needs fixing.
I've been reading this book "love is a choice" I wanted it for a marriage type book which is what it's been helpful in but it's also been helpful in loving yourself and other people in general.
There was another quote I saw about how people realize your beauty more then you see your beauty.
We see ourselves all the time and we get lost in all the negative that some times we don't get why people might think we look beautiful. Or we don't deserve those compliments. I think most of us could list more things we didn't like about ourselves then what we like.
In the end I am loving the journey I've decided to take into a healthier and more for lifestyle but it is a daily choice and a long, hard journey with many ups and downs. I am doing great at drinking lots of water =]
I'm thankful for those who do stand by me through it all and hopefully who will always be there for me.
Please don't think i'm crazy for all these things. I just wanted to be honest because maybe there are others who feel this way and feel alone in that. I can change the way I feel and it's a daily thing we work on in this world.
Quotes some times get me through another day or remind me of who I want to become inside and outside.
I plan to take monthly pictures of my progress which occasionally I may post here.
"God sees you not only as a mortal being on a small planet who lives for a brief season—He sees you as His child. He sees you as the being you are capable and designed to become. He wants you to know that you matter to Him." -President Dieter F. Uchtdorf
"Here's to a year of better habits, positive thinking, clean eating & most of all, loving yourself."
"I'm not beautiful like you, i'm beautiful like me"
"Confidence is the ability to feel beautiful, without needing someone to tell you."
"Love yourself first and everything else falls in line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world."
"There's a difference between pretty and beautiful. When someone is pretty, they have a good appearance. But when someone is beautiful, they shine on the inside and out..."
"Eat like you love yourself. Move like you love yourself. Speak like you love yourself. Act like you love yourself."
Below is pictures of me probably at my worst. I was not physically fit and I ate terribly. Doesn't mean I didn't love life and have fun =] And I still probably don't look big to other people but thought i'd share. This was Beginning of 2010
Once you start becoming a healthier person you notice bad habits about yourself. And just because I've become consistent and dedicated to working out every day (with my much needed breaks) does that mean my life is so much better then it was. I am now hit with even more frustrations that apparently I buried in my comfortable lazy way of living.
I do believe that a lot of you, women especially might think or feel these same things but we don't talk about them because we think people are going to think we need some kind of help. We probably all need help lol
I LOVE working out, it really gives you that sense of accomplishment once you get on a routine of completing workouts and noticing your doing better then you were from the beginning: lifting for longer or heavier weights, running longer or at a faster speed, or keeping up with the pace better....
You might even notice your body is actually changing. You've lost weight, you just look different, or clothes are fitting you differently. That feeling is an amazing feeling I've experience a few of these but sadly it doesn't last.
I've realized it's a daily sometimes hourly thing. Battling that "but I'm still not good enough feeling" we probably will never be where we want to be. The world so easily makes us believe we are never good enough even if we are trying as hard as we can.
We compare ourselves to others, not all of us but it happens. We are all physically built so different so we will never be like another person even if we worked really hard for it.
There was a blog I read once about not trying to get back to the body you had before babies because your not going to be the same again. Having a child changes you and you should love and accept the new body you have. I am amazed that our bodies cant carry children and deliver them but it still takes getting used to =] I have a little bit bigger hips then I used it and I feel it throws everything off but its true you should love your new body style then your old one.
I've picked a goal to work towards becoming a teacher for a core class. That's a great goal but each day I still doubt my abilities, not just physically but personality wise. But I read somewhere that (you should try for things out of your comfort zone because you might be surprised at how well you might do that new thing )
So it keeps me thinking that maybe I just might be better then I think
I LOVE and HATE the gym setting :)
You can find awesome support from people you know or barely know. There are some great people out there who want you to achieve your goals or just want to help you be a better you.
But there are also those people who've been going for years and you think I'm never going to look like that or be able to do that. You've really have to not focus on that but it can creep him.
Let's talk sauna/steam room for a moment haha
Love them, their relaxing and just awesome. And you can go in anyway you choose: fully clothed, bathing suit, towel, naked.... doesn't matter. It's a mix of every type and every style of body. And those women that come it naked really don't care what people think of them and are proud of how they look, even if their body type isn't the way the world says it should be.
I would love that confidence. I may have confident days here and there but I don't think I would ever be that confident. And in general it's just uncomfortable to share a room with that but that's just my personality.
Some days I feel like such a small, weak little duckling in the gym setting and some days I feel powerful and strong.
I'm hitting all areas, ive slacked on running a bit but try to get it in 1-2 days a week. I do get cardio in and strength training through classes. And like I said earlier I have noticed changes. I have some pants getting looser and some days I can tell I'm stronger and I've lost maybe 2 pounds since starting my journey.
Here is another flaw that I'm not proud of and I struggle with it daily. I think I've struggled most of my life but until I changed my habits I didn't realize how bad it was. And a lot of people aren't going to really understand this.
You see those shirts that say things like "I run because I love food." Etc.
I hate food.... there are days I won't eat when I'm hungry because it's too much work or makes dishes or if I eat more that means I'm going to have to spend more money on food.
Since I've been working out I'm burning calories so I need to eat more, this is difficult for me. And I started feeling sick on and off for days because I wasn't getting the calories I needed for the new lifestyle I've chosen.
As a mom it's always very easy to forget to eat a meal because your feeding your kids or doing errands. But the sickness was starting to be hard to handle while taking care of kids so I knew I needed to change my ways.
1. I have a calender full of what I should eat so I can prepare ahead of time or not sit trying to figure out what to eat
2. I have alarms that go off every two hours to remind me to eat a snack and or meal. Because time sometimes flies.
So far I haven't been as sick but it isn't easy. Like I said a hate food and now having to eat even more of it is honestly hard for me. Being a picky eater of course limits I food options which can make eating more difficult because i sometimes eat the same things all the time.
Anyways it's a daily struggle in so many areas.
And I can say I do eat healthier then I used to, their is rarely any ice cream or chocolate in the house and I don't even realize it most days.
I also don't wake up as sore as I used to that first month. I wake up in a different kind of sore or that i can tell I worked out but it's manageable to get up in the mornings :)
I'm a bit more active through out the day and want to get out and do things but I still have my lazy setting which is needed here and there! But should use the energy bursts I do get towards cleaning the house better... my next weak area that needs fixing.
I've been reading this book "love is a choice" I wanted it for a marriage type book which is what it's been helpful in but it's also been helpful in loving yourself and other people in general.
There was another quote I saw about how people realize your beauty more then you see your beauty.
We see ourselves all the time and we get lost in all the negative that some times we don't get why people might think we look beautiful. Or we don't deserve those compliments. I think most of us could list more things we didn't like about ourselves then what we like.
In the end I am loving the journey I've decided to take into a healthier and more for lifestyle but it is a daily choice and a long, hard journey with many ups and downs. I am doing great at drinking lots of water =]
I'm thankful for those who do stand by me through it all and hopefully who will always be there for me.
Please don't think i'm crazy for all these things. I just wanted to be honest because maybe there are others who feel this way and feel alone in that. I can change the way I feel and it's a daily thing we work on in this world.
Quotes some times get me through another day or remind me of who I want to become inside and outside.
I plan to take monthly pictures of my progress which occasionally I may post here.
"God sees you not only as a mortal being on a small planet who lives for a brief season—He sees you as His child. He sees you as the being you are capable and designed to become. He wants you to know that you matter to Him." -President Dieter F. Uchtdorf
"Here's to a year of better habits, positive thinking, clean eating & most of all, loving yourself."
"I'm not beautiful like you, i'm beautiful like me"
"Confidence is the ability to feel beautiful, without needing someone to tell you."
"Love yourself first and everything else falls in line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world."
"There's a difference between pretty and beautiful. When someone is pretty, they have a good appearance. But when someone is beautiful, they shine on the inside and out..."
"Eat like you love yourself. Move like you love yourself. Speak like you love yourself. Act like you love yourself."
Below is pictures of me probably at my worst. I was not physically fit and I ate terribly. Doesn't mean I didn't love life and have fun =] And I still probably don't look big to other people but thought i'd share. This was Beginning of 2010
Thursday, January 7, 2016
Things I love
Why not start the new year off with a list of things I love that make me happy (i'm sure I will think of more after I post this)
*The feeling of finishing a hard workout
*Talking with a friend for hours
*Going on dates with Spencer (my husband)
*Driving with the music up loud and singing along
*Lighthouses
*Waterfalls
*Taking a beautiful walk/hike in the cool air
*Dancing like a crazy fool or dancing to Just Dance
*Playing games with friends/family
*Reading a book in front of a heater or fireplace
*Running to upbeat music
*Lifting weights and feeling stronger as I lift
*Treating my boys to ice cream
*Shopping!
*Going to see movies with a friend or by myself
*Taking pictures of nature
*Getting a spa treatment (massage, manicure, pedicure...the works)
*Hugs, there is something about a hug that makes you feel cared for
*Binge watching shows on Netflix
*Laughing so hard I cry or snort
*Cuddling with my kids/cats
For now this is my list but I hope to try new things this year and fall in love with more things =]
*The feeling of finishing a hard workout
*Talking with a friend for hours
*Going on dates with Spencer (my husband)
*Driving with the music up loud and singing along
*Lighthouses
*Waterfalls
*Taking a beautiful walk/hike in the cool air
*Dancing like a crazy fool or dancing to Just Dance
*Playing games with friends/family
*Reading a book in front of a heater or fireplace
*Running to upbeat music
*Lifting weights and feeling stronger as I lift
*Treating my boys to ice cream
*Shopping!
*Going to see movies with a friend or by myself
*Taking pictures of nature
*Getting a spa treatment (massage, manicure, pedicure...the works)
*Hugs, there is something about a hug that makes you feel cared for
*Binge watching shows on Netflix
*Laughing so hard I cry or snort
*Cuddling with my kids/cats
For now this is my list but I hope to try new things this year and fall in love with more things =]
Friday, January 1, 2016
Be ready
As I ended my last day of 2015 I honestly never thought I would be where or how I am today. The key is waiting for that moment that you choose and decide to change. Figuring out what needs to end and what needs to begin and being ready to make that change.
Be ready! For me it's usually a feeling that comes and I know it's time for me to fix whatever is broken.
And the last few months I've made some pretty great choices that are changing my life for the better.
1. Feeling so messed up about not being the person I was supposed to be from bad choices I made and then feeling the need to move away from it all... and everything falling into place to be able to move away from it all to beautiful Oregon to new adventures
2. When the past came back to find me and choosing to not fall back into old habits and finally standing up and sticking to the new decision I had made and promised to God
3. Making excuses to not work out because it was easy but then physically experiencing pain so bad that once I was better I felt I needed to do more to keep myself healthy as much as I could to keep from experiencing that pain again
4. Not feeling the way I think I should feel and making the decision to find materials to help me realize the things I need to work on and change to finally feel the way I should about all the loved ones around me
I will always be a work in progress but that's a part of life. Making mistakes and learning and growing from them.
Finding what works and when.
For example I never thought evening workouts would be my thing but it turns out that finally making that decision to start in the evenings might have made me find a love for working out and I rarely ever think of giving up or using excuses not to do my work out. When I finished my workout for the last time in 2015 I felt SO proud of myself! I have come so far. Farther then I ever realized I could and thinking how come I didn't find this love sooner. It changed my life and is still continuing to change my life. (The right music can sure help you keep going when your about to quit too)
I can't wait to see what 2016 brings to me and how I will be by next new years!
I'm so grateful for the people I've met these last few months and I honestly wouldn't be where I am without their support and love especially in my moments of doubt.
And thankful for my loving husband and two amazing boys that show so much love for me and keep me going everyday!
Here's to the new year full of love, laughter, exercise, and new experiences with my family and new friends!
And for once maybe just living life without worry or caring what other people think of me.... it's a hard habit to break
quotes:
"You are under no obligation to be the same person you were five minutes ago."
"I just woke up one day and decided I didn't want to feel like this anymore so I changed."
"Life is about change. Sometimes it's painful. sometimes its beautiful. but must of the time, its both."
"You are one decision away from a totally different life."
Be ready! For me it's usually a feeling that comes and I know it's time for me to fix whatever is broken.
And the last few months I've made some pretty great choices that are changing my life for the better.
1. Feeling so messed up about not being the person I was supposed to be from bad choices I made and then feeling the need to move away from it all... and everything falling into place to be able to move away from it all to beautiful Oregon to new adventures
2. When the past came back to find me and choosing to not fall back into old habits and finally standing up and sticking to the new decision I had made and promised to God
3. Making excuses to not work out because it was easy but then physically experiencing pain so bad that once I was better I felt I needed to do more to keep myself healthy as much as I could to keep from experiencing that pain again
4. Not feeling the way I think I should feel and making the decision to find materials to help me realize the things I need to work on and change to finally feel the way I should about all the loved ones around me
I will always be a work in progress but that's a part of life. Making mistakes and learning and growing from them.
Finding what works and when.
For example I never thought evening workouts would be my thing but it turns out that finally making that decision to start in the evenings might have made me find a love for working out and I rarely ever think of giving up or using excuses not to do my work out. When I finished my workout for the last time in 2015 I felt SO proud of myself! I have come so far. Farther then I ever realized I could and thinking how come I didn't find this love sooner. It changed my life and is still continuing to change my life. (The right music can sure help you keep going when your about to quit too)
I can't wait to see what 2016 brings to me and how I will be by next new years!
I'm so grateful for the people I've met these last few months and I honestly wouldn't be where I am without their support and love especially in my moments of doubt.
And thankful for my loving husband and two amazing boys that show so much love for me and keep me going everyday!
Here's to the new year full of love, laughter, exercise, and new experiences with my family and new friends!
And for once maybe just living life without worry or caring what other people think of me.... it's a hard habit to break
quotes:
"You are under no obligation to be the same person you were five minutes ago."
"I just woke up one day and decided I didn't want to feel like this anymore so I changed."
"Life is about change. Sometimes it's painful. sometimes its beautiful. but must of the time, its both."
"You are one decision away from a totally different life."
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