Balance

Have you ever realized that every once in awhile you start feeling like you hear or see the same phrase or word constantly....it probably means you should listen to it. =]

Yesterday I had a MUCH needed conversation with a friend that helped me realize a few things about myself and regroup. I can easily worry and stress over sometimes the littlest things and I think recently it got to the point where it made me feel sick. I try so hard to please everyone and not to hurt feelings or make people angry with me, but I know I can't always make the situation fit happily for everyone. What a bummer.

A couple posts ago I talked about starting to run daily and get into being more physically fit. I would like to report i'm doing great! I have joined a 20 day trail at a gym to try and incorporate more then just running in to my routine. I've never been a gym person so I feel a bit lost when I go but so far some of the group classes I took were fun!
You know that feeling when you (probably more women feel this then men) put on jeans after being in the dryer they fit snugger usually....well yesterday my jeans slid right on with no problem! One of the best feelings in the world =] And makes me feel like all the work I've been doing these 5 weeks are starting to show, even if other people can't really tell yet. It gives me that other boost to keep going.

This now gets into the balance part of what I wanted to talk about. Since I've started to go to a gym and work out in general I've been having trouble finding the balance and when I should go. I'll try and list a few things and reasons. I know some might seem silly and I will explain why talking to my friend made me see more to the issue.

Most of the stress is on finding the right time because I felt I was losing time with my family.
I used to work out in the mornings and found that I think that's the reason I would die out fast. I love being a lazy morning person especially since I've had kids. Since Jackson wakes up sometimes at 5:30 in the morning I just don't want to get up at 4:30am just to make sure I get my work out done before Jackson gets up. And I don't like being that stay at home mom who is in her pjs all day or work out clothes all day until I can finally get that workout in by the afternoon. (There is nothing wrong with that for the people that do that, its just not for me) I feel by the time I would get to the work out I would not care to do it anymore. I love getting showered and ready for the day even though I don't put make up on half the time or do my hair nice...remember i'm a mom so that hair ends up not pretty an hour later or that make up is smudged because they are stressing me out that day so i'm trying to keep it all together.

^ Above that I tried doing mornings at the gym and they have a wonderful daycare, Isaac did great but Jackson was struggling and it was just too hard for me to justify leaving them with semi strangers for an hour every day. I felt it was better they be left with dad and have bonding time with him. And in general it was just harder to get everyone together and set off to the gym knowing it was possible I wasn't going to get a good workout in because Jackson kept crying. Most moms know the struggling of leaving their kids at a daycare. I am thankful that's something I haven't had to do and so because I have that choice, I choose not to leaving them with a daycare for my workout needs.

Spencer has been working out too now and so trying to make time for both of us to work out without neglecting the kids was hard for me. I have found that the evenings work best for me physically because i'm usually ready for a break from the kids and that energy gets put towards my work out which usually makes me do better and gives me some "me" time which I've found has been very helpful. But because of some of the class times at the gym its us eating dinner later then usually which ends up sometimes me missing dinner with them. And we want to keep eating dinner together as a family.

Spencer and I and the kids all have maybe 3 hours together every night and if I go to the gym that then leaves only 2 (this is meaning until the time at least 1 of them goes to bed) And if Spencer goes to the gym before Jackson goes to bed then that only leaves 1 hour. I felt like leaving them ruins that short time we all have of all being together.

I don't think the kids mind me leaving especially because they get that daddy time and when I return they are always so glad to see me which gives me another little boost for the night. =]

So in a nutshell it's been great but still trying to figure out the semi perfect time for me to go, maybe we eat dinner first and I go later to work out. I'm usually STARVING by the time I start a workout even if I eat 40 minutes before I go workout. I may have to start bringing some healthy snacks or something. This brings me to another point. Eating healthy......I have noticed that because I work out more I don't eat as much junk, but because being a picky eater I stress so much about what food choices I can make that are healthy without them gagging me. I stress about food so much because now that i'm working out I need to be eating more since i'm burning off so many calories but I hate food. I mean I love food but because of being picky it means I have to eat more of what I already eat the same of all the time. And I just run out of ideas and so I've been trying not to over focus on this but when your hungry a lot it's not easy to avoid =]

When I was talking to my friend she brought up how her husband always says those are all little branches of issues, what's the root problem? It's hard to really explain but in a nutshell I think maybe my root problem is that my goal is to feel good about myself and not wanting someone to be upset with me because of whatever choice I make. In the long run I just want to be proud of myself and I feel that working out is working on a problem I've struggled with more then I realize. By being more fit and in shape I think it will solve a lot of issues in life I've had. I really working on myself to be better for everyone and for me. For once i'm trying to take care of myself and by doing that I worry I might miss time I could have with my family but it might help me live longer in the end.  (My friend was right, I should of written some of this down because I think I've forgotten some things we talked about, oops)

Basically I need to be at least a little less lazy in the mornings and afternoons and focus better on cleaning the house, laundry, dishes, all of that fun stuff so that it's one less thing to worry about in the evenings. Now with boys that make a mess with toys, it wont be easy to keep up on but I will do better, I need to do better.

I've been really into fitness quotes because some give me the strength to keep going. So here are a few:

"Don't stop until your proud"
"You can feel sore tomorrow or you can feel sorry tomorrow, you choose."
"I'm working on a new me, not because the old me is bad but because the old m can improve."
"The only way you will see results is if you stay consistent"
"Strength doesn't come from what you can do. It comes from overcoming the things you once thought you couldn't
"Some day its not about health or building muscle. It's just therapy" (this has become so true for me)
"I already know what giving up feels like. I want to see what happens if I don't" (my #1 fav)
And lets end with some balance quotes
"Life is a balance between what we can control and what we cannot. I am learning to live between effort and surrender." -Danielle orner
"Balance- comes in the moments you stand up for the life you truly want by making choices that align with that life."

I worry about what people think of me, I know that's so high school but it's something I've always been really good at/ struggled with..... this leads to my next post coming soon