The emotions of a Mother

As individuals we always have at least one of "those days" where life just is not going well. But I feel once you become a mother you might have more of these lol I mean now you are responsible for keeping your babies alive daily!

I was watching an episode of How I met your Mother Season 8 episode 13: Band or DJ?
and there is a line where Lily says "Sometimes I wish I wasn't a mother and would pack a bag and leave and never come back" (not exact quote)
And it got me thinking... I've had this thought once or twice before. I hate to admit it but i'm sure you guys have had the thought at least once in your life time if not you i'm sure you will one day.

Mixed with maybe a bad day where your kid is just doing EVERYTHING to push your buttons or screaming/crying ALL day or you are just super emotional (I mean we are women lol) It could be for the littlest thing. You may notice I never post pictures of my kids crying or throwing a tantrum and that's because those are the things I don't want to dwell on or remember in the future, I want to remember all their sweet moments and smiling faces. (that's just me, doesn't mean your a bad person if you post those types of pictures)

There are just those days when you realize your life will never be the same as it used to be. I hate to say "your life is over" but in a way it is, more like your just ending a chapter of your life and starting a new one. Sometimes I wish I could just go travel or go out dancing late at night with my friends or just crazy things like that but I can't do that. But that's okay!

My point is I've had a day(s) like this but then there are those amazing days when you feel SO blessed! When you look at your children and can not believe that you grew those sweet babies inside you and now you are helping them learn new things and grow. And then you are SO proud of them because you see them doing something you have been trying to teach them. Or those silly things you realize they learned just because little kids watch everything you do.

Being a parent and growing up is not an easy task. It is THEE hardest job I've ever had but its THEE most amazing job I've ever had and I would never give it up. It has taught me SO much and there have been lots of ups and downs but the love I have for my children is SO great!

Just yesterday I was thinking that I love my kids so much that i'm always giving them LOTS of kisses. And I realized that's STILL not enough to express how much I love them. I just want to squeeze them and hold them ALL day and night!

I've always wanted to be a mother but no matter how many times I had been told motherhood is hard I still would of made the choice I made. And it still doesn't prepare you for all the emotions you feel once you become a mother. 

But I have been blessed with an AMAZING husband who is the BEST Father to our little boys.
Isaac is my sweet loving boy who loves to laugh and Jackson is pretty chill (too young to know his personality just yet)

my favorite picture of us together, like 3 weeks before I got pregnant lol

my 18 month old Isaac

my super cute 1 month old

they are bonding =]

my boys =]

 

A mothers worst nightmare

When you have kids you then always want to protect them from everything!! But you can't especially when once they start walking because they are going to explore you can't keep them locked up in a room. Even then unless it's a padded room they will always find a way to get hurt it's natural.
I would guess there are a lot of moms that's have certain fears or situations to never happen to their kids... Well one of mine came true on thanksgiving.
It's one of those memories I will probably never forget (maybe in time)
Every once in awhile the memory will pop in my head and I wanna burst into tears
We were in Idaho at my in laws new place and there were lots of kids and adults. We were all on the main floor most of the time. They do have these hard concrete or wood stairs covered in linoleum that go downstairs. There is a half door that keeps it closed off which is nice especially with little kids rubbing around.
I walked near the stairs with Jackson to get diapers for both the boys out of my bag and Isaac followed me.
It seemed like he wanted to go downstairs but I said no bud we aren't gonna go downstairs right now. I didn't bother to check if that stair door was closed because it wasn't in my eye sight an it's always been closed all day so I didn't think to worry.
I look back down at my bag trying to find the wipes that should of been in the bag. Next thing I know I hear something...someone falling down the stairs.
And I say something like oh no no no and hurry to stand up and walk over to the stairs and I watch Isaac  roll down the last few steps and pretty sure I say spencer!! And he comes running over and down the stairs to get Isaac.
From the distance I thought his mouth was all bleeding but it was just chocolate from pie he ate earlier (lol)
He was shocked and then of course burst into tears. And daddy grabbed him. I handed Jackson over to Dianne and then Isaac wanted to come to me. We went over to the rocking chair and he cried and we rocked. Then we noticed his nose was bleeding a little. We checked his eyes and they weren't different sizes. Pretty sure there were a few bumps on his head. And a few scratches on his face. We gave him some medicine and he slowly seemed to calm down. His head was super hot so I took off his sweater.
He did have his shoes on which meant he didn't slip down the stairs with his socks on. And he had his pacifier in which probably protected his teeth. He at least fell half way down the stairs. But I didn't see the whole thing so it's possible he made it down most the way first.
There was someone there who is going into nursing and I almost done so she helped check him over a little bit which was nice.
Then Isaac soon was back to playing around. But I wanted to hold him forever and ever.
He was acting tired but he was before he fell so I wasn't too worries about that.
We did finally get him down around 10pm and daddy slept with him most the time. He woke up a few times for a little but and we gave him more medicine. Thankfully Jackson slept well and didn't really wake Isaac up so we were all up around 7am... Well not like spencer and I got a choice lol
1. Doesn't surprise me he was like "I will just go down myself." (He still isn't good at going down stairs by himself)
2. The sounds was like a tumbling you going down the stairs but your child! (A sound I will never forget)
3. And of course I kind of blamed myself because I'm his mother and suppose to protect him (I know things happen and I can't be everywhere to watch him)

Ahhh the worst but somehow like always he is always just fine after the hurt and shock wore off. But mommy is still trying to get over it all. I know things happen and you can't control everything but doesn't mean I can't worry and still worry after the fact.

A week with 2 under 2

A week with two kids....
Surprisingly the first few days weren't too bad but daddy was good at taking care of Isaac
I would the sns a little longer but then we decided this wasn't going to work. Which is kind of frustrating because I produce milk it may take a few days but that my children struggle to wanna latch and be patient so it makes me sad but I do know there is nothing wrong with using formula. The down size is I'm losing the baby weight slower :( depressing!
The first night was a little rough with Jackson because he hurt from his circumsion but after that he sleeps a lot which I love because then I can give Isaac some attention.
I ended up with an allergic reaction to I'm not sure so I was itchy, swollen and red all over down there which is not the place to have a allergic reaction especially when your still healing from having a baby lol
Once I got steroids it started getting better yay! I wasn't as exhausted after Jackson as I was with Isaac but physically I felt like I was healing a lot slower. Especially cuz this time around I had to stop my milk and man that's a pain! They are a little better but still producing some milk.  And my emotions have sure been all over the place, even though Jackson is pretty good baby I still emotionally have a hard time taking care of both of them by myself even though I've survived :)
Isaac has been getting into trouble which is expected and he hasn't been eating well which I'm sure doesn't help his crabbiness. He has been sleeping fairly decent until last night he was up yelling our names and whining and not settling down (poor spencer) but Jackson is super gassy and struggles with that so he doesn't always sleep really great but once it's been two weeks I may have to change the formula he is using if he is still struggling so much.
The cats are being really curious of baby now which is cute but they get in the way lol
One thing that's been helpful is getting up at 730 I can feed Jackson and take a shower before Isaac wakes up so then I feel fairly ready for the day
Isaac also has the pacifier back half way through the day which is a comfort for him right now so we will give it a few more days but then need to start getting rid of it again.
He will give Jackson kisses and bring Jackson a pacifier when he cries and will sometimes peek over at him to just check him out. So he has been helpful but still jealousy hits every once in awhile.
Isaac defiantly seems very big now that we have another little one around the house lol but he still is a little baby and cracks me up :)

Sorry this post is all over the place but was writing it on my phone as I had time in between watching two kids.
I don't mind taking them places but there isn't really anywhere to take them.

I did some newborns for Isaac. But since he wouldn't sleep he wouldn't let me position him in weird positions but I did get a few good ones. Going to do more within the week though and get announcements sent out soon hopefully.
Either way we are surviving but I am defiantly taking a break before we have another baby lol
Oh and one plus is Jackson doesn't seem to prefer me over anyone (right now anyways) which is kind of nice cuz I don't have to hold him 24:7 and he sleeps well in a bouncer especially when swaddled

Also spencer is back to work which was hard to accept him going back but it's a part of life. The hard part is he is still doing school so even though he may be home from work he has to go in the back room to do homework. And I know he feels bad but it's great that he is getting an education.
And with each kid we have the more I love him. He is amazing with our kids and very helpful when I need his help. And I'm grateful for the time we all have together. It's a joy watching Isaac play with daddy and giggle and smile. It brigs a smile to my face.

Jackson's birth story

Sunday I had some contractions around 230am-4am and then they just stopped and never came back. So we had a nice family day together.
Monday I had my 38 weeks appointment. I was measuring 36 which means he dropped and was super low down. I was dilated at 4 cm and she swiped my membranes so then I became a 5.
She said she wouldn't be surprised if I had him that day or Tuesday.
No contractions and water hasn't broken so now we just wait for one of those two things to happen
Isaac kept bringing me the baby's owner manual book lol
Tuesday early morning I had some contractions on and off but still nothing consistent but of course who can sleep with that going on and Jackson is pushing and kicking like crazy which he usually doesn't do often
Then when I got up and took a shower I apparently didn't lose much bloody show last Tuesday cuz this morning I lost like 3 globs of bloody mucus so I guess I'm even closer
I kept losing more gross bloody show, I mean how much is in there??? Lol ew!
I called my doctor just not sure if I was losing too much and to be safe they had me go in to labor and delivery. And it was nothing so I went home. I was still 5 cm
Boy was I frustrated by this point since the doctor got my hopes up.
Around 2am Wednesday I got a hard contraction every hour that I would have to breathe through. But thankfully was able to always fall back asleep. :)
I got up around 8:45am with a contraction and decided to get up.
Then I started to get them sooner and harder. Isaac got up at 9/915 am and I had to breathe through a contraction and he thought that was funny how I was breathing lol
And bam they kept coming faster, I was gonna wait an hour to make sure but they became to hard so my mom came over as soon as possible and spencer headed home from work. This were a lot stronger then I ever had with Isaac which when I got to the hospital I was 7/8 cm which is probably why they were harder.
They were coming so close that I couldn't leave a Uribe sample or dress myself. Man!! And I was sweating they were so intense.
I said I wanted an epidural ASAP but they have to do all these checks to make sure first before I can get one. Ahh!
My mom and Isaac came in while I waited for spencer. Poor Isaac wanted mommy to hold him because he was super worried about me. Which was way sweet!
There were some amazing nurses that really helped me breathe a little better, And keep me semi calm. We got to the hospital at 9:45ish, and man things were going fast. Finally I got an epidural which seemed to take forever!!! I was about 8/9cm by then.
Then pretty soon we had me push but the little booger was head down but his back wasn't towards my tummy, he kept turning his head left and right so we decided to take a break and position my body to help him go to the right area.
Then I got checked later on about 12:20? The nurse was threatening him a little lol which actually made him get in the right position :) he was a stubborn boy.
So we pushed again but apparently his head was kind of big so we decided we needed a vacuum to help a bit. And it took a bit but finally we got his head out... It came out side ways lol and then out came the rest!
12:53pm Jackson Steven peacock arrived!! Only about 4 hours of labor :) He didn't poop all over me like Isaac lol he seemed so teeny!
Eventually he got his check up. 6 lbs 8 ozs, exactly a pound lighter then Isaac. 19 1/2 inches long. His head was a little deformed but that healed pretty darn quickly.
I did get a 2 degree tear but it was mostly all in the same spot that tore with Isaac and mainly just the scare tissue and no muscle. It all sewed up pretty well. My placenta kind of came out in pieces too, oh well lol
All seemed to look good! Ahhh I'm a mommy of two.
He has lots of hair, dark brown hair. And dark blue eyes. So far no birth mark spotted but he sure is cute!
He is a noise maker but it's way cute!
We decided to try and breastfeed... He sure was a stinker with that lol he just won't open his mouth wide and then won't suck or does for a second and then pulls off.
The middle part of my nipples go in which does frustrate him so we then tried a nipple shield which helped a bit but kept moving and giving me a blister. But wasn't getting food fast enough which upset him lol
So we let him have a nap and daddy and I got dinner! Yumm cuz I was sure hungry!
I did find out that if you have a full bladder you are more likely to get blood clots so you have to make sure to go potty fairly often.
I had wonderful nurses and a lactation nurse to help us!
We eventually decided to do what's called an sns it's where you feed this tube of formula to him while he sucks on your breast so he is getting food mixed with our colostrum... That thing is so simple what a miracle!! He drank then like a champ and was making me cramp which meant he was sucking on the breast good too!
So once my milk comes in good we can stop the formula part and all will hopefully be well :)
It makes this mommy very happy! He is a wide eyed baby and loves skin to skin time with mommy!
He got shots a little later and daddy helped give him a bath, he was a trooper!
Later we had my friend Kate visit and then grandma Nielsen, grandpa Nielsen, and big brother!!! Who was sadly cranky, he held Jackson for a bit but seemed jealous and didn't know what he wanted so he didn't stay long.
He's been pooping and peeing well!
To help out Isaac, spencer went home to sleep and play with him.
And Jackson and I did pretty well by ourselves :) we had aunt Jess and cousin j visit last.
He is a great sleeper! I haven't slept a ton but I've bad rest which is keeping me going so far.
He is a hard burper but eventually gets it all out.
We are all doing very well! And as long as I have a few meds and an ice pack I'm fairly comfortable. And my belly is super itchy lol

16 months & 33 weeks

Isaac 16 months old

He is so adorable =] They do grow up fast which you hear probably all the time.
There are times where I do realize I think he should "know better" when really he still is a baby and doesn't always understand things still. So sometimes I have to step back and remind myself he isn't a big kid just yet.
He has 6 teeth ALL the way in and 2 others half way in, each set are coming in the right order so that's great! He's had a few bumps and bruises lately, he always manages to find the corner of walls haha
We went to California for about a week and he did SO well, I was very proud of him! It made taking care of him mostly by myself easier.
Isaac is in that stage where if he wants something he points at it and goes "uh uh uh" Basically whining for it. And if you say no he THROWS a fit! It's been a fun stage....not!
We don't give him lots of treats but when he would eat a meal really well I would give him a small chocolate or something well now we've kind of taken that away because he knows where the treats are and begs for them WAY too much.
He had a small cold, which I think is already now over and it wasn't too bad so we survived.
Every once in awhile he will sleep from like 8-8 but lately he's been waking up a few times for his pacifier or his "puppy" blanket. I'm thinking if I had a netting put up that wouldn't happen anymore but I just keep forgetting to buy one.
We still have to constantly tell him to not put things in his mouth and we give him a few warnings and then take it away if he still does it.
He still LOVES going outside and it's cooler out (FALL how I love you!) which is nice because we can stay out a little longer and not get too hot or too cold.
I introduced him to a baby and he seemed to like her, the only problem was he wanted to take her pacifier so that might be a issue when Jackson comes lol
Other then that he didn't mind the crying but the baby didn't stay all day every day so that will be the challenge.
He recognizes family in pictures so when we were in California he saw a picture of daddy on Grandma's wall and got super upset because he missed daddy and wanted him there.
He still HATES getting his diaper changed but LOVES bath time.
He sure gets BURSTS of energy lately which is so fun, basically we laugh at him a lot.
Oh and still gets 2 naps MOST days just depends on if something throws his schedule off.
But I love him to pieces and I think he is going to be a great big brother!

Jackson 33 weeks

I keep getting closer and closer to the due date but it still seems forever away sometimes.
We are 100% ready for him, My bag is 75% packed (so enough that its pretty much ready)
We toured the hospital, we pre registered and pre paid for everything. We have all the items we NEED, still a few I would LIKE but aren't necessary.
Weight: 130 (gained 18 lbs)
I feel my thighs are fatter this time around but maybe I could be wrong
I feel I have more stretch marks but maybe my old ones are just more stretched out now then they were with Isaac.
I'm pretty sure i'm a lot bigger belly wise then I was with Isaac.
About a week or two ago I started getting that pain under my right breast like I did with Isaac only I got it sooner with Isaac so I am thankfully I haven't had to deal with it this time as long.
I have RLS still on and off. My belly has now started to itch again, never a fun stage of pregnancy.
His heartbeat is around 130-140 bpm
Everything is measuring perfect, and his head is down and in the right spot.
Lately he has been moving like CRAZY especially at night.
I'm not having a hard time sleeping which has been really frustrating, i dont think I had that issue with Isaac. But i'm so close to the end I think I can bare with it for these last 7 weeks or so.
I have felt a few braxton hicks here and there, never had too many with Isaac.
My friends are throwing me a "Baby Sprinkle" which is so sweet of them, i'm pretty excited to have some girl time and celebrate Jackson.
I am total fine for him to come whenever but preferably after October 12th because I have commitments up until that day.
I am a little nervous about doing this all over again SO soon but apparently he is meant to be in our family and I couldn't be happier to have another sweet baby to love and cuddle.
It will be pretty tough especially since i'm not sure what time of personality he will have but praying it's like Isaac's or better =]
And I will be trying out Paragard for my birth control which I hope goes well....all birth controls have so many side effects
Our Guesses: (first guess is mine and second guess is spencer's)
Arrival date- November 16th & November 10th
Labor length- 8 hours & 9.5 hours
Weight- 7.5 lbs & 8 lbs
Hair- brown & red
Eyes- brown & blue
Length- 21 inches & 20 inches
I'm hoping he has a birth mark too just cuz birth marks are so cute.

Other:
We got a new fridge...yay!! So now I have ice for my water which if you know me I love cold water!
Spencer and his dad also made this cat box thing for the cats litter box so that it would leave less litter on the bathroom floor. So far the cats love it and I love it.
September 8th I got another cute nephew: Cruz, son of Jon & Mallorie.... haven't met him yet, hopefully I will tomorrow.
I've been doing a little better at keeping a few things cleaner in the house. But there are always good and bad days. lol
The primary program is on the 12th, can't wait for that to be over with then we get a little break from teaching the kids new songs.
Isaac and my costumes are ready to go for Halloween, which is almost here yay!
I'm keeping up on Isaac & Jackson's Life binders... I just LOVE the idea of it and its working out fairly well.
I am almost saved up for a desktop computer which is going to be SO nice! It's a lot better then a laptop when it comes to having a family. And my laptop is slowly dying.
I've taken a few people's pictures for maternity and 3 month old pictures and soon to do some wedding family pictures. And the first two have turned out pretty good, i'm proud of myself =]
I'm constantly trying to do better with spending money.
Maternity pictures are on the 11th, and i'm really excited, cant wait to see how they turn out.
Spencer and I are looking in to using Trac type phones instead of being on a phone plan which would save us quite a bit of money in the long run. I'm home with wifi 90% of the time so I really don't need much of a data plan. And these companies have nice phones too not just small dinky phones.

32 weeks prego

And this ADORABLE blue eyed boy =]

Nutritionist

Our insurance didn't cover a nutrition visit but the nutritionist offered to do it over the phone for free so I accepted!!

I was expected her to tell me to hide more calories in food but the real issue was he wasn't eating much so how could I hide things if he wasn't eaten much to hide things in.

Once I told her our situation, what she said took me by surprise and I was a skeptic but I figured it couldn't hurt to try out her suggestion.

She said don't feed him any snacks. They fill them up more then you think and so do milk and juice

1. Only milk or juice with meals and only give him water in between meals

2. No snacks and give him what you want to make, it's his job to eat if he won't then that's his issue, don't try all sorts of things until he eats something because your in charge of deciding what to serve for dinner. If he is hungry enough he will learn to eat whatever you give him

3. Eat at the table at meals (which I did always for dinner and sometimes lunch and breakfast) and eat with him at the table too

4. Add coconut cream syrup to his milk to give him more calories

So it was really hard when he wouldn't eat meals but she said he will be okay just give it three days.

Let me tell you what!!! He is doing great so far and I've noticed he sleeps better (naps are up and down sometimes) but he is less cranky because he is getting full on good food not snacks and it's more consistent

When he wakes up around 8/830 we have breakfast then an hour or hour and a half later he naps
Around 12 we have lunch and then since dinner isn't until 5 or later I have decided at 3 to give him a small snack and he gets it at the table because 5 hours is a long time to only have water.
Then he gets a snack before bed around 730/800
If he doesn't eat good he knows he doesn't get a snack

But wow it's been amazing and I'm so glad we have solved this issue and hopefully he will gain weight better now. :)

I have a happier toddler and that means a happier mommy!

Every toddler is different of course but this works for us now so sorry if some of you think it's silly not to give him snacks.

This is a website she gave me that has ideas if anyone is interested it's for more then just toddlers
Ellynsatterinstitute.org

almost 30 weeks w/ #2

I've been slowly getting things ready for Jackson coming because time is flying by really fast and you never know if your baby will come early or not.
I had my glucose test and it came back great so yay! I am a little anemic but that didn't surprise me, but this time I am doing better at taking an iron pill once a day and maybe that will help.
My ring still fits, my belly button isn't poking out yet but it's near the surface. My stretch marks from isaac have stretched all the way out but don't see any new ones yet.
I feel like I stick out more this time around and am a little lower then before.
The doctor says I really need to work on gaining 1 - 1 1/2 lbs a week which is really hard. Even though i'm hungry all the time I really don't care much about food.
Once I hit the 3rd trimester my body has not felt the best. I get cramps and sharp pains here and there which usually goes away once I drink more water and I try never to clean too much or walk too much.
Mostly the thing that is killing me the most this pregnancy is my emotions. Physically i'm pretty darn lucky and don't have any pregnancy symptoms like swollen feet or super chubby or anything like that, except it does make my butt bigger which is not flattering. I sleep pretty well though and i'm a little tired but not terribly and I can still bend and carry things with no back pain.
But my emotions are UP and DOWN and UP and DOWN. One minute i'm super excited and can NOT wait!! Other days I worry so much about surviving with another newborn so soon or will I be able to handle Isaac and Jackson together. But until he comes I have no idea so I try not to stress but I still do.

Isaac and I are going to California, driving down with the in-laws and then flying back after about a week. I'm really excited just to get a change of scenery but i'm always freaking out that Jackson will decide to come early or that Isaac will be really hard to entertain on the plane even though its only about a 2 hr flight. So Prayers would be appreciated for that day.

Then maternity pictures are coming up and I CAN"T WAIT!!! I love pictures and especially from a professional that can make everything look good. I love capturing beautiful moments like maternity pictures and newborn pictures.

It's starting to feel like Fall which is SO exciting, it's my favorite season because I can wear sweaters and go on a walk and not get super hot. But also means Jackson will be coming soon too

Isaac is just the cutest especially when he is in a giggly, smiley, happy mood. I love when he comes and sits on my lap (even though its kind of awkward to sit with a huge bump) and watch TV with me. He is just so silly some days. He is now 15 months old and is still tiny 17.5 lbs which meant time for us to talk with a nutritionist. Which makes me feel like I did bad as a mom but it will be nice to get advice because I knew I would struggle with this since I dont eat very well myself and hate cooking and doing dishes. I think part of him not wanting to eat sometimes is he gets sick of me feeding him kind of the same type of foods.
I wish I wasn't picky at this point in my life.... but we talk with her today and i'm really excited to hear her thoughts.
But other then that Isaac is OBSESSED with technology which is frustrating but the doctor says its normal but we still try to hide our phones and things and try to distract him with outside and other toys. He loves trying to help me cook and he understands this makes this turn on or this room has this in it. He is really connecting things. His newest thing and he tries to clean his ears with a qtip which is adorable (dont worry i wont let it actually go in his ear). He has been napping better which is really nice and I hope it stays this way for a long time. =]
He LOVES the cats even more now and will go to get them treats its really cute. He is starting to run now which is hilarious. And sometimes he will hug his cousins which is super cute and i'm not sure where he learned it and maybe he doesnt even realize that's called a hug but it's awesome.
He jabbers a lot and sometimes on a phone but none are really words yet but it does sound like they are close to real words.
He will be Thing 1 for Halloween and my big belly will be Thing 2 for Jackson. i'm excited!! =]

Oh on a side note we went to the Ogden Temple Open House with all my family (besides mallorie and cache) it was 31 years ago to the day that my parents were sealed there to my brother so that was really awesome. I hate to admit that I wasn't in the best of mood that day but glad that our family has grown from 3 to soon to be 16 people, that's amazing.

I'm sure Isaac will wake up from his nap soon so I better close this, and i'm sure i've forgotten something but it's nice to just type feelings every once in awhile.