My Little Girl

Not every girl dreams of one day having her own little girl but this girl did!
I love my boys but this point will be focused on my little girl.

My cute little girl joined us May 24th 2017 <3

Tomorrow she turns TWO! She has been the little girl I dreamed about in SO many ways! She has also been the occasional drama that I didn't hope for lol

She looks very much like me! Emma has curly light brown hair and a sweet little giggle. She will come pat you on the arm if your upset. She randomly lays her head on my shoulder and goes aww because that's what mommy usually says whenever she would do it. She loves to dance and loves music and her moves make me smile! Mommy kisses make owies feel better. She LOVES mommy forever and ever which melts my heart!

She is just this little bitty thing but she is Sassy! If she doesn't want you in her bubble she will whine or say NO. She whines and yells and cries and sadly is finding out that she doesn't always get her way even though she's cute!

She has the side glare DOWN and the eye roll i'm sure is soon to follow.....heaven help us! She always amazes me at the things she figures out by watching her brothers. And the trouble she manages to get into......and the uh oh that always follows. She knows what she wants and she always tries to get it.

Whenever I see her cuddling her warm pink blanket I just want to pick her up and snuggle her! Then overload her with hugs and kisses!

She has filled my heart in the way I always dreamed having a little girl would! (once again I love my boys and they fill a whole other part of my heart that I didn't know I needed)

I do always hope that she will be:
Strong but soft
Vocal but kind
and so many more things, my mind has given up on words!

She is my best friend and so far I am hers..... (this may not last lol)

She just melts my heart every single day!! <3

I Mean just look at her!!!!! <3

The Crazy Lady

It has been almost 1 1/2 years since I last wrote in here. I'm not going to really update you, i'm just going to jump right into an idea that recently popped into my head.

Every so often I get books to understand how to be a better parent, better spouse, better person, or better couple etc. Recently I looked into a book a friend recommended called Wife for Life the power to succeed in marriage  By: Ramona Zabriskie
It was a pretty interesting read, there were things I couldn't relate to or totally understand. I just don't think the way that this author does.

There is also a book I started when we first got married and am just NOW finishing (almost 8 years later lol) It was a really great book but I must of found non fiction books I decided to read instead and never went back until now. It's called Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus By: John Gray

Now both books explain women and men. Which wasn't something I was totally expecting. I will say they have similar descriptions of how women and men are. It has been really cool to see side by sides of how we both think differently, and respond different. Of course not all men are the same or women but its enough to have a good place to start if you want to fix any issues. I've taken note on some little things to try but even the simplest things to fix situations or change of word is very hard to remember IN the moment to do.

There were times when I would say that is totally me, I didn't realize I did that. Then there are things that I don't think I do at all. While reading occasionally I will think is this how my husband is too? The thing though is if someone just came up and asked me how I am, I honestly don't know myself to really know how to explain myself to someone. There have been times where I want to go to my husband and say hey is this you? Do you really feel that way or think that way? I don't think he would know or maybe even want to say (I haven't tried it so husband, maybe i'm wrong lol)

In Wife for Life she brings up this thing "Don't let the crazy lady out". Or something along those lines. In one chapter she breaks down all the type of crazy ladies there are. I remember reading over them and thinking okay i'm a tiny bit of this one and that one. I'm not at all (or so I think) a CRAZY Lady but I do believe there are moments where I can go a bit insane.

I'm the type of person especially in a marriage that doesn't say my feelings or what i'm thinking very often. So if i'm lacking sleep, lack good food, not feeling in some kind of control, spent (you've tried all you can give and things arent working), the weather is getting you down, lack good exercise, kids are on me ALL day(s) or feel tons of responsibility/pressure I can sometimes lets say SNAP.

Now I will say I don't regret that snapping moment much because i'm releasing some real true feelings in that small moment. Is it the right way..... probably not! I think the book said something about 7 different crazy ladies, and how to try to control them to a degree. Last night I let one crazy lady out, there was just no way (especially with little to no practice) to have tamed that crazy! In those moments how do you even come back from that, im choosing to pretend it didn't happen.....which is probably again not the right way to handle it. lol

When you've got so many things you know you could do better at and fix, where do you start, which one do you pick! I have really great amazing days or decent days most the time, blow ups dont happen that often, i'm sure thats the same for the majority of you but when they do come up they make me feel like everything else was such a lie. Does that make sense? Like maybe I was playing pretend but deep inside there were crazy ladies that needed to be tamed a LONG time ago, but I just shove them down because its easier in the moment.

*While reading these books I started thinking we'll I'm a women what if I wrote a book about women. You'd be more confused about women then you were before. We cry and you ask why....I have no idea why I'm crying. We want you to help but if you offer we(or maybe just me) is like no I can do it myself. We are happy one moment and some how furious the next. We want this then we change our mind. We are very confusing creatures and i will agree with any man that says so. I don't ever understand myself!

I'm not sure if this is totally how I wanted this post to go, but if you are reading this, have you had moments where you feel later or even in the moment that in a sense you were a crazy lady but not totally yourself?

I do highly recommend these books not just for married or engaged but in general it may help you interact with the opposite sex or get to know yourself better BEFORE you become a duo or help your friendships or family you DO have.

Everything

I keep coming up with all these blog post ideas and then deciding not to post. And these last few weeks i've been overwhelmed with a lot of things going on and beating myself up over things. Last night I decided if I am going to blog its going to be about all the things i'm thankful for.

My sweet husband who always loves me, and helps me parent and teaches the kids how to be respectful of me and others. And a hardworking man that puts up with a crazy wife who means well & kids that are all over the place some days lol

A beautiful daughter who lights up whenever she seems me, which just melts my heart

A handsome son who is very grown up and a very helpful big brother to his younger siblings

A mischievous son that keeps me on my toes but has a sensitive soul.

My very loving and cuddly cats that constantly remind me they need to be loved just as much as everyone else

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints that has gave me the opportunity to learn and grown and meet amazing new people I otherwise would have never met.

My Savior who has shown SO much love, comfort, and forgiveness that no one else has ever shown me.

My parents & siblings & In laws that have taught/ shown me how to live and love.

My friends (close & far, old & new) that have been there for me as a listening ear or to be crazy with me, or served me or made me laugh or gave me much needed advice.

Visiting Teachers that are also there to lend a hand when needed!

For a body that I can strengthen and help me to do all the things in life I need to to live & love.

For an apartment that keeps us warm & sheltered from all kinds of weather: especially rainy days in Oregon ;)

A vehicle that can get me places faster and makes carting my little family around easier

For the money we do have to get what we need!

Scriptures that help me learn & grow

Sleep when you get a good nights rest that can refresh you and help you start a new day happily =]

Technology that allows us to talk & see family & friends that are far away.

Books that can either teach you things or take you away to another world if you just need to escape from real life for a bit.

Music that just says things in the most beautiful way and expresses how I feel better then I could do.

JoySchool (preschool) that teaches my children things he other words may not learn from just me.

Oregon for its BEAUTIFUL Fall colors that distract me when driving lol (don't worry I try to be extra careful in the Fall)

Thankful for new opportunities even though scary and hard that open up new friendships & strength & patience.

I could write even more but these are some lately that i've been thinking about. Everything is listed in no particular order and even though i've had frustrations with these things or people once or twice there is always so much more love that goes along with it. So thank you!
What is one of your top things to be grateful for??

Do over- 6 weeks

Today marks 6 weeks since baby, it feels like it should be longer then that because it took forever to arrive at this mark.
I've been thinking recently about my labor and delivery. Have you ever wanted a do over? I've wanted a few but not many. But if I knew how everything would be I would of done things differently. Recently mainly this last pregnancy and delivery. If I knew the epidural would have stopped my contractions for sure for awhile I would of held off for a little while because even though I disliked when I felt a contraction coming I think I was handling each one pretty well! Then I would of had her sooner but still had time to put in enough meds they wanted me to have before having her. Also I would of had Spencer come back and stay with me at the hospital over night or a friend had I known Emma wasn't going to let me sleep (which I so desperately needed) then I wouldn't have been so tired and would have tried harder with actual breastfeeding. Or would I have?
This is just an example. Even though I was pretty sick while pregnant if I had pushed harder to workout and eat healthier would it have made a difference?
I think a lot of times in the moment I feel so weak or tired that it truly effects my motivation and decisions. But even if I had been well rested would I really have made different choices?
What's done is done in all past situations I've wanted a do over but you know I probably would have done the exact same things or similar anyways.
They have been journeys that have gotten me to other places in my life I may never have made it to without those trials etc.

I'm back on slowly (wish it didn't have to be slowly) getting back to where I was physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It's hard it's very hard. I've had to try to really focus on one area and once that's back to routine add something else. But I want to just jump right back into everything but I can't it's tiring lol

3 kids has out done me. I'm forgetting more things and have to find a new routine and organize differently. Right now I'm stuck in the constant laundry and dishes and pick up routine. It's never ending lol

Right now we are trying to find the way we want to parent. But it's easier to always fall back on my old ways because it's easier even though it's not better.

Anyways enough of that here's some updates

Emma is doing great! She sleeps 6-7 hours at night and wakes up and feed her and she goes back almost right away for a few more hours. She had thrush....still kind of does. She's had constipation and yeast infection. But other then that lol she sleeps and eats pretty good. And oh my goodness we love her!

Isaac and Jackson.....we've hit a moment they wrestle a lot more with each other and talk back and throw fits. Which I don't blame them I want to too somedays. But they can also be super helpful without being asked. Theyve been growing in good and bad ways lol we are trying to listen and understand each other but it's not easy most days.

Weather has been great in the 80s mostly so we go to splash pads or parks. And mommy and daddy are fitting in eating better all around and exercising.

I feel weak which is understandable so trying to keep up daily movement to get back to how wonderful I felt over a year ago. And I crave being that way again. But here we work on patience lol

We take each day at a time and try something different when things don't work out.

If you read this far thanks for reading my babble lol

Emmas Birth Story

I had scheduled to be induced on her due date May 24th @ 8am because for several reasons I just didn't want her past her due date. I didn't want to be induced so I didn't plan it earlier then her due date to give her time to come in case she decided to show up on her own.
Tuesday the 23rd I finally was having contractions. And really struggled to want to walk around or go anywhere. Around 11 or midnight contractions started to become harder to breathe through and consistent. Because I was strep b positive they wanted me to come in sooner then later so if I was in labor they could get enough penicillin in me before she was born.
We had a lovely lady in our ward that we like to call our Oregon Grandma. She came over to stay while the boys slept and until Spencer could come back and get them.
I was 5cm and 80% effaced? So they admitted me. I was handling contractions well but I was game for an epidural whenever they could get me one.
We found out that why your legs go numb at the beginning is they give you two meds that jump start the epidural to work. Supposedly your legs are supposed to gain feeling after awhile but the pain should be the only numb part even if you press a button to get more pain meds. But for me if I ever press that button my legs go numb again. So for whatever reason i'm some rare case and we tried telling them that the same thing happened with the boys but they didn't believe me until I told them my legs were numb again. So I really can't feel even pressure down there all feeling is gone. But no biggie.
The hardest part for me was they don't let you eat anything but liquid things and I was STARVING and weak from lack of food so I was very emotional. Also we didn't have a good nights sleep the night before and its the middle of the night again and i'm not getting sleep.
She moved around A LOT so the machine was always making noise from her movements. Once I got the epidural it slowed down my contractions a lot at one point I was 7cm and fully effaced for awhile.
Since I couldn't feel my legs they had to help flip me when I wanted to lay on a different side. Around 9 or 10? they flipped me and a few minutes later the doctor came to check on me and I was wet so my water must have broke when they flipped me because I had been dry just before that.
They were going to give me Pitocin but the nurse said since my water broke she was going to see if my contractions picked back up on their own....and sure enough they did. And around 11ish I pushed 2-3 times and her head was out and she slipped out with the doctors help and she was here at 11:16am
LOTS of dark brown hair and just beautiful! I did almost cry a little bit mainly from it beings 12 hours and I was so weak and hungry and I had really finally had a girl lol
She was 8.1 lbs (biggest baby ive had) and 19.25 inches long
She is pretty chill but when she does not like something or is hungry etc she WILL let you know, she has a high pitch scream/cry......
Usually if you were strep b positive they make you stay mainly for baby for 48 hours thankfully they let us go around the 24 hour mark I never would of emotionally survived staying there another night lol
We all love her very much and trying to figure out the sleep schedules which has been a bit rough. During the day is pretty good but nights are a struggle. She is down to 7.7 lbs but they aren't worried. She's got chunky cheeks and dark eyes for now can't tell which color they are going to change to.
We pump, breastfeed, and formula feed until we figure out what we are going to work on. And every night I change my mind on what I want to do lol
The biggest trial for me is sleep if I don't get a fair amount I just can't handle life so Spencer and I take turns with her at night and naps during the day etc.
The boys have been pretty great for the most part just always have lots of energy. Grandma Nielsen comes June 1st and we are super excited.
A downside is its SO HOT in every room but the living room so its made nights harder.
Anyways I don't think I missed anything nothings huge but we did find out that the hospital was pretty packed with women in labor that if I hadn't of gone into labor on my own they would of moved my induction date :/ so thank heavens baby girl decided to get things going!

OOOh I tore about a 2? It's day 3/4 and I rarely take any pain meds and i'm seeming to heal fairly fast and nicely. My tummy is slowly going down and need to keep up on naps etc to feel semi normal but i'm pretty good and ready for back to normal life just with 3 kids instead of 2. She's a snuggle bug

Decluttering

(The book i'm referring too. "The life-changing magic of tidying up" By: Marie Kondo)
Wow!
I've been thinking of reorganizing and decluttering for quite awhile. Each month my desire to do so got stronger. Could some of it be nesting, probably but I did feel this way before I was pregnant.
I came across this book one day and I knew this was a different perspective that I wanted to try.
We can organize and declutter but unless we truly declutter we are going to always have to redo everything.
My huge desire was I was tired of always having spots or things to pick up. As the kids get older they are slowly helping with their own items to put away but something needed to change.
I'm not much of a hoarder and neither is Spencer but this book made me realize how much you hold on to when it's not needed. I've gotten rid of maybe 15 bags worth of things.
Now I don't agree 100% with all she says but it did make me see things a different way. The more things we do have the easier a home is to reclutter all over again. And finding more shelves to make things more organized doesn't solve the issue.
She talks a lot of physically touching everything and by that knowing what to keep based on if that item Sparks joy. I only did this to a point because though I believe items have a bit of energy I don't think they are overly speaking to you or upset if we fold them a certain way. to each their own though.
I do believe that every item has their purpose and that after it's fulfilled that purpose in making you happy it's time to donate or throw away. For example cards I don't hold on to tons but realized I could let go of quite a few. They fulfilled their purpose by me receiving them and feeling joy or loved from that person. But holding on to them isn't important especially if we rarely go back and read it. Now there are exceptions like love letters from your spouse.
Another point was not holding on to past things from an ex or ex friend because if you go through it ever it brings you back in the past but it's time to live in the now! I held on to a few items but not much but their all in a box at my parents so those will be tossed next time I see that box.
Another huge thing was everything has its place! So a huge thing in general that will help me is once I use something to put it back where it goes as soon as possible! The things won't easily reclutter on a countertop or table etc.
I feel our home is so much more open and inviting already! And we dont even have as much stuff as most people do.
I will say one hard part is if you have a spouse or children etc that you share a home with doesn't mean your all going to be 100% into the process of truly decluttering which has been a bit hard for me to see and be understanding.
Because what's important to someone else doesn't mean it's important to us so you have to compromise or just let things go.
Another hard part is I'm afraid I may slip back into hold habits of oh we need this when we truly don't need to add more back into our home.
Right now I'm actually doing pretty well, I'm a gift giver and love receiving gifts but as of lately I care very little to receive gifts and my gift giving has changed to smaller simpler things.
Which was one problem she said is that people just let things sit because someone gave it to them and you feel bad throwing it away or giving it away but leaving the item sit there makes more harm then good.
I'm almost all done, the process is supposed to take longer but I have limited time and patience. Lol
I'm down to mostly finding the right place for things and keeping all items that are similar together. So all cords in one spot, all crayons, all shoes etc.
Somedays I've pushed myself a bit more then I should lol but it's felt very rewarding just wish I had done this when I was physically better able to do it all.
In the long wrong I hope it helps me do normal cleaning easier because I'm not constantly clearing clutter spots.
Did maybe getting pregnant make my brain finally snap and say it's time to change the way your live? Maybe. I've noticed a lot lately that for me there came a time where things just snapped for me and I was ready to truly start working out or to truly focus on my scripture reading or whatever it may be. And each moment I did amazing did some of these things get throw off yes....But each time I've learned something new and different to fix or change in my life and I'm really grateful for that. In this case I feel a bit more free and lighter in my home. It should make life easier for me especially when baby 3 comes along.
Which the closer I get to due date the more I have to take things 1 day at a time. I'm quite emotional with this one especially towards the end I've noticed. And I physically always have some sort of pain every so often each day. Sitting one way used to help but no so much anymore so I get emotional since I don't feel 100% but I always feel a lot better then I did the first like 7 months! I do feel I have a fair amount of energy and I think that's partly from decluttering because doing it was bringing me joy that I hadn't been feeling.
My goal is to finish up as much as I can before baby gets here so that things don't slip backwards.
It's an amazing book though but do believe you have to truly be ready to do it and then do it and don't stop half way through! I should of taken before and after pictures, I'm truly upset I didn't. But maybe will take a few after pictures when I'm done with everything because you will see how open the place looks. =]
Side note we are doing fairly well here, very thankfully warmer weather is stopping by on and off. We've got about 50 days left until due date and we are fairly prepare minus a few things which I will wait to see if I get at baby shower, if I don't then will purchase and start packing hospital bag. I'm still very over and done with this pregnancy, it's truly been a hardship I never realized I would struggle with. But we have survived this long, just barely, and are slowly getting excited for the changes that will come with having a 3rd kid lol

30 weeks baby 3

30 weeks today! (will be 8 weeks left if its like Jackson)
3/4 complete and 1/4 to go! It still feels like an eternity away. I always heard things from blogs etc that pregnancy 3 just flies by.....no it doesn't! lol I did not get blessed with that luck!
I would share my weight except the batteries are dead in our scale :/

I am actually doing fairly decent, I still get colds and things occasionally. And sometimes don't feel very well depending on how I've ate.
I don't really crave much
I sleep okay sometimes its rough to move
I have a tine bit of acid reflex
I'm always hungry
I have bursts of energy here and there
If I stand too long my back will hurt
I will usually feel worn out around 1 so will lay down and sort of nap depending on how the boys do
I have that normal pain every so often on my right top side that I've had with the past pregnancies, and no its not a baby foot up in my ribs its a different kind of pain. its my insides getting cramped and pushed up there.
Bras are getting tight but because my belly is spreading to up there so my circumference around my ribs is fatter.
I'm almost always fairly hot, I don't always have a sweater on, if you know me that's a huge shocker. Nights I get even more hot even if I have all the ways to keep me cool but oh well.
My old stretch marks are stretched out all the way which means I am going to probably get some new ones soon, my belly is itchy now on and off and super stretched out.
She moves pretty much ALL the time. She really favors my right side and tries to push out the side a lot.
She gets hiccups at least 1-2 times a day! I get jabs and brushes a lot on the inside.
I'm back to liking sleep on my right side more then my left but still have to switch off.
I get a few very light cramps but nothing crazy or consistent.
My legs are sometimes achy
My brain is a lot more forgetful and spacey on words and things I need to do.
I'm still a little less social then normal just depends on the day.
I feel huge but also still feel kind of small
I do occasionally forget that i'm pregnant until I move and remember there is a belly in my way that makes it harder to get to or do a few things lol

We are pretty set for when she comes, a few other things would be helpful but we have the basics. I'm ready for the end.

We tried making 3 carseats fit in our backseat to wait on a bigger car a little longer but.....no matter how I worked it, it didn't work well so probably at the beginning of May we will get a van of some kind.

The baby stuff is pretty much all organized, bag will be packed soon but not yet too early and hospital tour is in one month and already have the birth plan written. what can I say i'm a preparer, makes me feel ready and calm for all the unexpected things you cant plan for.

Okay i'm just blabbing just figured its been awhile since I've updated.

Trials

Why it takes me getting sick lots in a short amount of time to kick me into gear and "grow up" or "change" I'm not sure, but I really need to stop it!
I've realized every time I get sick or can't function normally on and off for a few months is when it clicks I need to change something. In the past 3-4 months I've been different kind of sick 5 times! A few of those miserably enough I just wanted to die, when you just feel so low and cannot fix or heal yourself fast enough. This also doesn't include the pregnant morning type sicknesses I would also get.
I don't get sick often so this has been a HUGE struggle and trial for me and made me feel pretty darn low and helpless especially as a mother since I then can't even fulfill some of the necessary requirements of a mom.

(This will be all over the place because I haven't written in a long time)

I got a blessing recently and in it i'm always reminded we are given trials for a reason not just because. So then I start pondering to why this trial and what needs to change. And I could be wrong in my conclusion but it's a start and a change anyways. If you've never felt this way this may seem harsh but until you feel it you have no idea how easily it can take over.

I've been stressing A LOT without realizing it, about this pregnancy and baby. It's So different from my others then i'm constantly worrying if I will love her or if we will even bond well and is everything okay. Instead of praying to love her and to being grateful for all we've been blessed with. And stressing instead about space and what to get rid of to make room and how long we will stay here and will we have enough food and strength to take on 3 kids. I mean so many things! Isaac will love her no doubt but how will Jackson do are we gonna struggle a lot? My mom isn't here so what if my labor is faster then Jacksons was, I could have her in the apartment I mean so many unknowns and I struggle with unknowns and not being able to plan very well. Needing back up plans etc.

And I think in all the differences and less family around (even though I have lots of friends I know would be willing to help) I'm pretty sure I've been making myself sick over it all. And that's why I've been unsocial and not myself I've let the stress get to me and weigh me down and blamed it on the baby and pregnancy instead of it being my own fault.

SOOO anyways as much as i'm excited for a girl I am worried also about if i'm going to do okay with a girl. I know I will but its easy to worry.

Anyways I need to refocus my thoughts on relying on that God sent me her for a reason and that I need to know that some of the greatest things happen/come from the unknown situations.

Though I can't base the future off of this difficult pregnancy, I've come to one thought that if we do really want a 4th (I always have) we may adopt that time lol which I've always wanted to do that. That will be way far in the future though like maybe 4 years.

The constant rain and cold weather and up and down weather and very little sunshine has not helped and I haven't been working out, its been difficult while sick but may start walking on the treadmill every so often to just get some movement since I don't move much now a days.

We've also come to thoughts of working on a few things getting vitamins back in our routine, helping the boys better with hand washing (their one step stool they still cant reach the sink by themselves so don't like always having to pick them up etc.), brushing their teeth better: we've got once a day down good but the 2nd time a day is hit or miss.

Lately when we've been sick Spencer & I have taken turns on being sick so it was helpful but this time we all got sick around the same time....that was super duper rough! And I realized i'm not big in asking people for help, on little things yes but when it comes to being sick or cleaning the house I just don't want to impose someone to possibly get our germs or watch my boys etc.

In general though i'm still working on getting back into praying daily and reading more into my scriptures. And really trying to work on keeping my phone down more.

I was 25 weeks on Wednesday (its going by faster). Everything they say still looks good, somedays she moves more then others but she is hitting harder. I still worry about her growing, I feel like i'm so small which isn't always a bad thing. When I take my next monthly picture I will do a comparison to see if I am getting bigger. I probably am and just grow her differently then the boys.

As we get more and more things to prepare for her, I will feel less stressed i'm sure. We really just need a few big items and diapers and wipes. And in a few months should be getting a bigger car which will be SO great, and i'm very very excited for this!

The boys still keep me on my toes and give me lots of love and keep me going. Isaac always wants to play or do something with someone, he doesn't like being bored. Jackson always getting into things and making messes. They both are learning more and more words and making more sentences and enjoy when friends come over or we go somewhere to play (sicknesses have kept us from doing this as often as we used to)

Doing Something Right

We make a lot of mistakes as parents but sometimes we get these glimpses from our kids that we are doing something right! =]
Monday a few plans got cancelled so I was able to schedule an appointment with a doctor for an infection Isaac has. Isaac is at that stage where he says "its scary" or something along those lines and will get so emotional about things. I tried to explain that a doctor is there to help you get better, you don't like your owie, and he can help us fix it. We watch Doc McStuffins sometimes so tried to use her as an example. He eventually calmed a bit but was upset about going to the doctor still.
When we got there he told the nurse about his owie and the doctor and even stepped on the scale (26 lbs haha) by himself etc, yay!!! accomplishments. It was a LONG appointment partly because I misunderstood one part and was waiting in one area instead of another....ugh lets blame it on pregnancy brain lol
On our way home Isaac said "That wasn't scary!" =] Another yay moment!
That afternoon I needed to lay down on the couch for a little bit. And Jackson came over and put a blanket on me, gave me his teddy bear, and 3 kisses on the nose and 3 hugs! awwww very sweet!

Sadly I woke up sick at 4:30am....the same sick I had last time where I was throwing up for like 10 hours. I didn't heal as fast like last time but partly because I couldn't sleep well Tuesday night which didn't help me heal.

Anyways i'm grateful Spencer was able to stay home with me. Because I knew what the sickness was going to be like I expected how it would go for the most part. But you still hit a point where you can't get sick again, you just can't do it! But your body doesn't care what you want lol I still have no idea if it was like a flu thing or a food thing but it doesn't really matter. I woke up this morning feeling SOO much better (at 4:30am lol and couldn't fall back asleep go figure)

When i'm sick I like to be sick alone, so I will shut myself in a room or bathroom depending on the time etc. My heart was racing so much that I couldn't sleep much so this time around I really was on my phone a lot to pass time. And at one point started craving ice water!

But our bedroom door doesn't lock....I don't think. So every so often Jackson would sneak into the bedroom. It was adorable lol nice little moments to brighten my day. At one point I dropped my phone on the ground and so when he came in I asked if he could pick it up for me. So he picked it up and then gave me my drink and said drink, then tore off some toilet paper and said nose for me to blow my nose and then tried to give me another blanket. lol He can be such a sweetheart!
One time he sneaked in and gave this sly smile and whispered "hi mommy" and spencer was in there but didn't know Jackson was yet and then yelled HI DADDY! lol

And then Spencer brought Isaac in at one point and said he wanted to just sit and snuggly by me for a little bit and I said that was fine, he was really good at being careful and gentle around me. =]

Baby girl's name is Emma, this time around she moves so she moved A LOT probably very upset that I was jousling her around and she wasn't getting much food lol but it meant we had some small bonding moments as well.

A little later in the day I asked for a blessing, i'm so thankful for the Priesthood and the comfort, reminder, guidance, and blessings it gives us. Part of it was saying sometimes things happen to bring us closer to Him again. Which I have to admit I've been struggling to get back to wear I was in the gospel. It's a very slow start back but I was reminded of the scripture. “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn of me…for my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (Matt. 11: 28-30)
Sometimes we are given more than we can handle and that's to remind us that we have the Savior to help us pass those hard struggles that we can't do alone.
 < this picture describes exactly how I felt I was as I was so broken down and helpless and needing my Savior

I have a loving husband who brought me things I needed and took care of the kids but even with loving spouse and friends there was only so much people could do so my Savior was there in the beginning or I should say I was constantly communicating with him the moment I knew I was sick and was desperately going to need his help. But in those hard sick moments I also witnessed beautiful moments from my sweet little family that reminded me the good i'm doing.

It's very easy to forget and not be grateful for your health until your in poor condition. I have goals and things I would like to accomplish but I can't be perfect in them yet. Just a few steps at a time but I have come along way in a few ways and I will take that! =]

There were other thoughts I had planned to say, I should of taken notes when they popped in my head so eventually I may be writing another post.

Baby Girl

20 weeks!
Finally was the day to see what gender our sweet baby was. The tech was nice but man it took forever to check all the normal things they need to do so poor Spencer was stuck with the two boys for 30 plus minutes until we could call them back :/
I have an anterior placenta, and she is curled in a ball low. He had to push really hard a few times OW to move her to see different angles.
But all is good and healthy! Doesn't matter how many kids you have these ultrasounds are so amazing!
Ta Da it's a girl! I should of recorded Isaac's reaction he was SO excited he was right! It was super sweet. And as we left he said he was going to feed her, cuddle her and change her. He is going to be such a great big brother to a sister. We asked what her name would be and he says "sister". lol
Oh she is measuring 19 weeks and 2 days but tech said at this point it goes more by how your other babies etc are so he wasn't worried or moving the date.
Half way! It felt like it was going to be forever until I got here. Now i'm here...oh snap!
I knew it was a girl and not because I did kind of want a girl, I just knew it and no matter how hard I worked at being neutral (friends will attest I worked hard at being neutral) I just had a gut feeling.
I'm still in a bit of shock, like is it really a girl? it will probably become more real once we have girly things in the house, which will really only be clothes because all the items we get like bouncers etc will be gender neutral. I'm more of a purple fan then pink but i'm sure we will have a mix of things for her.
I'm excited to know and now plan for a girl. =]
We have 2-3 names in the works and once we have a solid decision I will share it.
I also realized i'm not a huge bow person for babies but there are these ones one pinterest I've seen that I like and seems I could make them easily too.
I didn't realize until my 20 week picture that I am carrier higher and straight out with this baby more then the boys, I didn't even realize it. So interesting how your body carries babies differently.
I'm kind of ready to be done with the pregnancy, its better then it was but I'm still feeling blah and just would rather her be here lol but of course I want her to be developed all the way and healthy.
I don't crave tons and still have to force myself to eat all the time but we survive with rough days here and there. I am getting bigger and realizing more and more things are going to be difficult to reach or do so it will be interesting as we continue along.

It's been so sweet to hear the excitement everyone has for me with it being a girl and just another cute baby, its amazing. Both grandmas reactions were awesome!!!

On a random note I've been surprised about a few things that have happened with people, details don't matter. But In all of it I've realized how much I've grown as a person and that makes me feel great because there are things that truly would have bothered me but now I feel mature and grown up to totally be fine with certain decisions that would of upset me. Which also makes me realize how much Spencer and I have been growing together and I love that, that's always the goal for me.

Happy New Year (late), I have a few resolutions, mostly to get back to where I was before I got pregnant with every category  lol But i'm just not myself with this pregnancy so I take super baby steps and look into other things to try spiritually and physically etc to still make me feel like i'm making progress.

We have a lot of exciting things happening for us this year and i'm excited!

He really loves His children

I've been so surprised how different every pregnancy can be. I am going to say a lot of what I've said in past posts. But I still can't wrap my head around it.

And I still can't believe how even a little or big can make effect you so much. Even though this pregnancy was planned it's thrown me off so much that I've fallen from the high I was on in life that I can't seem to grasp things as tightly.

I am just not me but I think a big part of that is because I've fallen from the things that made me me!
And part this pregnancy has changed my hormonal and feelings into so much confusion. lol

I'm there but not always truly there.

Yesterday I woke up and was talking to myself in my head about how I was feeling maybe even expressing to God through my head how I was feeling. That I didn't like how I felt and that even though others have felt this way it still doesn't mean they completely understand how i'm feeling what i'm feeling. It was fast Sunday so in sacrament meeting people could go up and bare their testimonies. And the first couple really fit like they were meant for me. The first one came up and said how that as teenagers we feel like no one truly understands us (but really this as anytime in your life) and that God knows what we are truly going through because He went through it for us. I knew/ know this but sometimes hearing it through someone else is so touching and just hearing it out loud. Then someone else talked about how its hard to trust but God knows where we need to go in life and to trust Him to lead us there and follow His guidance. It doesn't mean its always going to be a smooth ride but we will get there.

Anyways it was just a lot of good stuff. And I've been thinking since I've been reading this book. "Heaven is Real" there was one point the boy constantly kept telling his parents that Jesus really loves his children! And how much He loves us but children!! It hit me, although I love my kids its so easy to blow up or get frustrated with them. Because we don't understand each other, they don't mean to break rules (mostly when young young) they just want to be loved and make you proud. And they are trying and they will forget. I mean we forget things and stop doing things we should and that probably hurts God so much. But I always feel bad when I snap and yell and when I read that it just hit me hard on how much we break them every time we yell and get mad. We are trying to obviously help strengthen them to be these amazing kids, that's the goal anyways. And how home should always be a heaven and safe place for them where we don't kick them when their down and we approach things a better way (easier said then done but always a work in progress). Hopefully this all makes sense.

So every day is different some days i'm emotionally better on the inside then others but ever feel 100%. I would not say i'm depressed i'm not super low just feel off and don't like it.

Anyways so Wednesday I will be 16 weeks, i feel about the same size. I sleep decent enough. I don't have to eat as constantly but its best if I do. I feel I haven't felt it move since 13 1/2 to 14 weeks. So I've been going crazy. A lot of times at night I feel I feel it while i'm half asleep but i'm not sure if that's a dream or real lol I've never had a mover at night only but this baby has already shown to be different. My next appointment isn't until the 30th so if I don't feel movement as I get farther along I will truly worry more its just what you do when your not to that bigger stage yet to feeling more often. But if something did happen its already happened so they can fix that so really just waiting, no cramping or bleeding so unless I see that I really don't have anything to worry off besides movement which isn't consistent enough at this week to hold strong too.
I'm just rambling, no cravings I still don't like red sauces so my pizzas are only tiny drops of red sauce or none at all. And I still have very little excitement this pregnancy, maybe when i feel it more things will change. And I know it sounds bad but if its another boy I will be upset, i will get over it but it maybe being a girl is one thing I've been holding on to to get me through.

I still miss working out SO much. I go work out but its not the same. There was more I was going to talk about that I've been thinking about but cant remember.

The boys are totally sensing change because they've been ridiculous (for my kids not compared to others) and ahhhh! So emotional about things, never listen. Jackson has been fighting naps, and Isaac doesn't take naps anymore and Jackson is always picking on Isaac etc its just annoying. But I've been finally cleaning and doing dishes and laundry better etc so yay. Christmas is set up and we are pretty much ready!

Its all over the place but that's really how my brain has been lately. and basically no one would fully understand but being very less sick then i was has helped me function better.

Finally 2nd Trimester Baby 3

I'm 13 weeks pregnant, some books say 14 is when the 2nd trimester starts but some say 13 so i'm going with 13.

Oh gosh guys I've been feeling a lot better but still get sick occasionally and still just don't feel like myself so days are hard.

#3 just isn't a great one for me. But we are surviving and i'm looking more pregnant but also fatty chubby feeling :/ but such is life one you've had a few kids =]

Working out has been great, I still struggle with knowing whats too much and wanting to do things I know I shouldn't while pregnant so sometimes I get frustrated.

My emotions are all over the place guys which doesn't make it easy on my children because I feel their all over the place too. And the poor husband! =]

I've felt the baby move a tad here and there and felt it hiccup and LOVE sleeping on my right side which is interesting cuz that's where the baby is so I fear I'm squishing it.

Someone asked me what was one thing I loved about this pregnancy....and to be honest my only thoughts are that I was blessed to be pregnant again and that it could maybe be a girl but other then that I truly have not loved it much at all.

Just darn food, I know some people wished they didn't love food so much but honestly guys it is NOT fun especially when working out or pregnant because you HAVE to eat more to feel good but its not easy. I know it doesn't make sense to people but its always been a huge struggle and I feel like it gets worse with each pregnancy. I'm leaning on this very well being our last baby but years down the line will tell.

Now will be monthly pictures. I've gained nothing if anything I've lost again.... but we shall see I have an appointment tomorrow.

Also all the pants I normally wear I can't button comfortably.... just my khakis left and one pair of jeans that I kept for in case I got bigger haha So very soon maternity pants will be coming out.

On a side note guys i'm obsessed with Romeo & Juliet, my favorite movie version lately is 2013 version....I think its beautifully done. Its not the best story if you read what all their weird language means but I think its a beautiful sad story the way I think of it. And I don't care to change my thinking. (the main characters are Hailee Steinfeld & Douglas Booth) I rented it from the library which let me have it for 3 weeks I've watched it 3 times and would love to watch it more but its long so it makes it difficult to watch with the boys cuz I don't like to pause and come back to it later.

Go Team

There is a scripture somewhere that says "Behold your little ones", it doesn't matter where it is but just remember that line.
As a parent I think of that line often because our children and teach us so much!
They can teach us what we are doing wrong by what they constantly do and repeat because they've learned from us. (That can be quite an eye opener lol)
I think it was Saturday Jackson was napping and Isaac all of a sudden said hey guys come here and he stuck his arm/hand out straight and explained he wanted daddy, and mommy to put our hands on top of his hands. lol And Then he said go team and we all threw our hand up.
I have no idea where he learned this, we are not sports people so he wouldn't of seen this from a game on tv. My guess is from a kid show on Netflix.
Anyway the point is the sweetness in him doing that got me thinking. One he is smart, sweet, and adorable and I love him!
But in him doing that (and he has us do it every so often too, Jackson included if he isn't napping)
made me realize We are a team! Our little family is a team and we should always be encouraging, supporting and loving each other.
I think most of the time we are all on different pages and struggling with different things so it isn't always easy to be understanding or loving when we ourselves might not feel at our best. And sometimes we've grown up to a point that we forget that little things are really hard for kids to go through and a lot of times I find myself saying your fine get over it or stop! When they truly don't understand and I should be a lot more sympathetic. Now they are young to the point that they don't always understand why I can't be like normal when I don't feel well. Or that maybe when i'm throwing up you should not surround me and bug me but give me space and leave the bathroom lol (doesn't matter if I shut the door cuz Isaac can open it)

So i'm trying to be a team player (i'm not great at that) and us all be a team together always rooting for one another.

Side note I am feeling a little better each day but if I don't eat or drink for a little bit (I get distracted or busy with things) I will get super weak, dizzy, sleepy and feel very ill. So if I can keep up on eating and drinking i'm usually doing okay. My next appointment is on the 18th so we shall see how things are going, should actually hear the heartbeat this time instead of just seeing it (I always heard it a lot earlier with the boys, these doctors are just different)

Jackson turned 2 Saturday, but in my mind he's been 2 for awhile so it wasn't that crazy of a thing lol

Then emotionally I feel like I've lost myself a bit since being pregnant and that's hard because it took me a year to get to a pretty good place so I've been struggling a bit but the more I feel better the better I will hopefully get. 1 pair of pants I have to use a hair tie to button my pants so belly is getting bigger but it still seems like chub more then baby. And I my have a UTI which I've NEVER had before, I think i'm fine but some test results came back a bit off but haven't gotten a phone call from the doctors yet. (they post the results online so I can see them before they call about them)

ooh Friday I started going to the gym again, I hate that I can't do much (I want to run so bad lol) but it made me feel good! I have earned points for daycare for a month for 1 kid so will do evenings for now so Isaac can come with me and Jackson can stay home with daddy. It might be walking on a treadmill or doing bicycle for a bit until I can get back in it a little more. OH boy did I miss the gym, and will miss it so much once my contract is up (I think end of December) thankfully we have a small gym at the apartment complex but it wont be the same lol

Baby # 3

It doesn't matter what other people think but I'm not surprised if people think us having another so soon is crazy. I'm right there with you!
It's a bigger space then between Isaac and Jackson (they are 17 months apart). Jackson and this baby will be 2 1/2 years apart, but it is still close!

We planned to wait longer for another and I was totally fine with that because Jackson is mister adventure and destroyer. But out of no where I was constantly bombarded with things about having another baby and baby hungry very soon kicked in after that. And kept attacking me lol
So eventually I decided I should pray about it and see if I was interpreting all of this correctly. And I felt it was the right time to have another one.

If it's crazy or not apparently this baby was meant to come into our lives sooner then later. And when that second lined showed up even though very faint, there was no turning back lol
I was about 3 1/2 weeks when I found out so this first trimester has been LONG!!! I've always been quite miserable so it's not been very fun or easy this time around.

I was okay for a little while, then I started feeling nauseous all the time but needed to eat but rarely any food sounded good. Then would get sick. And I'm pretty sure I got at least 2 stomach bugs and have now been hit with a massive cold. Past pregnancies I've gotten colds and things but this time around anything I've gotten has been in massive form and hit me hard.

I wouldn't say i'm tired all the time but need to at least get a small nap in the middle of the day even if only for 15 minutes.

I feel super emotional a lot of the time and i'm pretty sure part of that is because I'm always a mix of hungry, tired, and sick so have short amounts of patience.

My boys have been fairly decent and sweet. Isaac is super excited but doesn't understand it will be a long wait until its here. Jackson has no idea what's going on, he's going to struggle I'm sure.

I'm the type of person that loves going places and getting out of the house but with this pregnancies I have very little desire and it's rough on the boys and I.

This baby is being sent to me to teach me some major things (good or bad I don't know) but we will just wait and see. It's been such a different experience this 3rd time around. I just try to make it through one hour at a time.

Now of course lots of people think its a girl because its been so different from me but we will see. Would I love a girl, yes! but I would totally be fine if it was another boy, I've already got all the clothes lol

I will be 11 weeks on Wednesday, due date is May 24th 2017, a week before Isaac turns 4 =]

Other random side effects: my face is full of zits, and my hair is fairly dry and brittle. I ate frozen peaches and blueberries for awhile and craved fruit at the beginning. I don't crave much though its usually something random at random times and wont last long.

I lost 3 lbs from 6 week appointment to my 10 week appointment. The first ultrasound went great, it was measuring exactly where I thought it should be. And the 10 week appointment was the same thing, measuring exactly how it should be. The first picture I got was awesome because the face looks like a face! it's amazing! I'm hoping they let me get the 20 week ultrasound to know gender a few weeks earlier so the gender can be a Christmas surprise for family but we shall see. ( the baby might not even corporate)

Anyways its been full of excitement and lots of worries and wow were gonna have 3 kids! We will be outnumbered, so we are helping Isaac be a bit more independent and probably a month before the baby comes we will hopefully get a bigger car, it just wouldn't work in our small car with 3 big car seats.

Thanks for all the love we have gotten! A worry i'm always going to have is this time my mommy isn't close but thankfully that we have great friends that can help when the time comes. =]

The picture doesn't show it very well but there is a very faint line! Later I had to do blood tests to check my HCG level so that was the confirmation that yes I was pregnant.

do you see the face!! its upside down but its labeled head and I swear I see a nose and mouth etc.

Doing whats important

Do you ever have days where you don't feel well it could be physically, emotionally, or mentally.
I find when I'm like either of those I start slacking or have been slacking on important things. When you feel miserable its hard to really want to do anything but binge on Netflix, pinterest, etc.
There are times you physically can't do much and that's okay.
But I was reminded of doing whats important even when you don't feel like it.
What I mean by this is saying your prayers morning and night and not just when you need strength to get through the trial but to also express gratitude for things. And to read/study your scriptures and be reminded that so many others went through tough things and they survived. And maybe even be thankful your not going to war and experiencing bloodshed and death (I know some people are experiencing this) And don't compare your trials to others because people are given what they can handle even though at the time it may not seem you can handle it. God knows us!
And then to put your device down or turn off the tv and focus on something different, if you have children, your children! Change up the routine a little. And especially be grateful and love your spouse.
Lastly don't focus so much on the ailment you are going through.  

In the end I always remind myself "This too shall pass" and a friend reminded me of this quote "Life is to be enjoyed; not just endured"

Have a Heavenly Day =]

One Year

It's hard to believe tomorrow will be a WHOLE year we've live in Oregon. Lately it's felt like we've been here a lot longer then that. Almost instantly Oregon felt like Home!
We've all grown up physically, mentally, and spiritually. We are still learning a few ins and outs of Oregon but have been here for every season and I can say summer is my favorite because i'm not a huge fan of the rainy season which is most of the year, my body craves that sunshine in the summer and MAN does it deliver! HOT HOT! We are still making new friends and decided when to make more changes.
I wanted to list the people that i'm so grateful to, because they helped shape me and change me into a better version of myself or they became an amazing friend. I decided I wouldn't list names because I don't want to forget anyone, I just hope if your reading this that you already know that I truly appreciate the friendship! There are a good handful of you that I want to always be close to!
We've had ups and downs since living here but i'd like to say more ups!

Isaac is 3 now & Jackson is almost 2, I can't even describe everything they've learned since we first arrived! Maybe I will just put side by side comparisons of how they've changed physically =]

 

I'm grateful for the opportunity and feeling that we had to move out here. It will always be one big turning point in my life that made everything better! Do we still miss being close to family & friends....we sure do! That's why we always plan to visit maybe once every year and you all are welcome to come visit this beautiful place!
There is still SO much to look forward to and explore here and I truly can't wait to grow stronger physically, spiritually, and mentally.

Change can be sad, exciting, and scary! Deep breathe, prayer, scripture reading, good nights sleep, and a good work out (and obviously some girl talk) make it all easier. (maybe some junk food too)

I will always update every so often as new things happen to us but for now we are just enjoying our life that we've built here so far and the friendships we've made!

Analyzing yourself

We've been in Oregon for 11 months! I feel like I've lived here my whole life, I feel so connected to Oregon. Most of that is because within these 11 months I feel I've grown so much more then I grew in the last 24 years of my life.
Yesterday I was reflecting on how many things I've changed either big or small and how I've stuck with those changes. And i'm constantly seeing all these other things I would like to change. And taking on new changes little by little. (too many changes at once could soon all fall apart)

Just to list a few changes I've made:

Working out, started in November or October and I haven't stopped! And I've come a long way! I now don't rely on classes to keep me going or other people to keep me going. I go because I want to grow and become the best version of myself. I now don't mind doing work outs by myself and I even found a work out routine I do on my own and sometimes I even add to it. I can tell i'm getting stronger. (eating healthy is a different story lol i'm better but not like I should be)

Since that dentist appointment of bad news I've been SUPER awesome at keeping my teeth even more clean before and they feel great! Our the cavities gone....don't know yet but i'm proud of myself.

Scripture reading EVERY morning, I still do it! I've learned so much, and found such comfort and power in the scriptures and some amazing scriptures that touched my heart. Along with this I also still do my personal morning and evening prayers!

Also EVERY evening as a family we read scriptures together and say prayer! And even though the kids rarely ever sit still and listen to it I know its making an impact. Isaac will now say "we need to read our scriptures" if we didn't grab them before we went in their room yet. That touches my heart!

I was talking last night with a very sweet friend of mine and did my typical explaining how I over think EVERYTHING! And jump to negative conclusions and explained why I think I do what I do etc.
And she goes it seems like you have thing figured out.

I had never thought about that before. I know myself more then I thought I knew myself. (there are still things I haven't figured out) I analyze myself SO much but in doing that I've found the why the things I do which then helps me know what to do and how to start to fix them.

One by one of course but when I know i'm ready to take the huge steps the change whatever the thing is then I stick with it. You have to get in that low and deep thinking to realize you don't want to feel that way anymore so "lets make a change" comes into your head.

We are just all always so hard on ourselves but people don't always see all those things in us.
I once got pointed out about my hand gesturing while I talk, I never realized I did it. But a friend once said the way I did it was beautiful and that I shouldn't stop doing it. I never would have thought about it that way.

I've felt so much living in Oregon and we've figured out the next steps we want to take as a couple and a family and we go on adventures together and loving every minute of it! I'm a full of gratitude and love. I've learned my lows and what to try and do to escape those moments and who's true and helps make my life whole.

-Family updates-
Isaac- He is potty trained, it went A LOT better then I expected and he is just so cute and grown up. I just love it! He also moved to a toddler bed and did an AMAZING move to that too. We got rid of the crib and he cried "don't give away my bed, that's my baby bed." it was so sad and I didn't think he would be so upset about it.

Jackson- Tried the toddler bed....he still needs to be restrained haha He is learning so many new words and his new favorite is "mine" so that's been a blast to hear daily. He is learning to crawl up bigger things. And he LOVES cheese.

They help each other to get into things but they are so happy, smiley, giggly, and fairly well behaved and i'm just so proud and love them so much! (i'm sure I missed something)

The end of life

My last grandparent passed away on Monday, Grandma Moore (my moms mom). I think death in general always makes you think about life more deeply. I knew it was coming soon and I wasn't totally sad because the last few years of her life she was slowly slipping away but doesn't mean I didn't ache over it.
In general though i'm not one to cry right away when i'm hurt especially in front of people. Maybe its because I feel it makes me weak or when I do cry I then can't control it. It's not easy to stop and i'd rather not look like a mess in front of people and so exposed. But maybe not crying also makes people think i'm being rude..... I am usually more broken inside over things then I may look on the outside. Neither way is wrong but just thought i'd explain who I am.

So fairly last minute I quickly got a plane ticket and Spencer stayed home with the boys and I headed to Iowa. My sweet friend dropped me off at the airport Wednesday morning and I arrived in Iowa Wednesday night.

Back story: My parents are both originally from Iowa and most of the family has stayed in Iowa, since moving to Utah we don't get to go see them very often. It was sad it took my grandmas death to get pretty much all of us there but it was MUCH needed!

My family especially the Tripp side (my moms side) are weird and crazy and I love it!

My parents picked my brother and I up from the airport and my sisters were already in the car. The little drive to my Uncle Fred's house brought back awesome memories from growing up. It rarely ever is just the parents and us kids alone now that we all have little families of our own. The joking around and laughing just made me so happy that I could be there.

Side note: I had no phone service while in Iowa :/ which was super hard for me lol If I had internet I could do a few things but I was phoneless. I think I really needed to be though.

Thursday afternoon we went over to my Uncle Larry's house to get together with more family before the viewing that evening. BEST DAY EVER, we all laughed so hard my cheeks hurt and I got a headache. I just loved every minute of it, it brought back fun times as a kid only this time I was part of the grown up crazy conversations. So our family is crazy especially all together but what I love is our relationship status's are all different, we are different color, and different religions, and now live all over but when we come together that doesn't matter at all! We have so much love and life for each other. It touched my heart and made me realize how important and amazing relationship with family is. You don't have to see each other daily to know that we care.

The viewing was interesting. I think open caskets are good and bad and everyone thinks differently. For me the few days before she died the pictures I saw of her were horrible, it wasn't the grandma I knew and remembered. When I saw it was open casket I was very nervous. But when I saw here WOW she looked AMAZING! And it made me not so sad but I will say she looked like a wax figure and when I would glance over I kept thinking she was going to pop awake lol
For me I would rather see once quick and then close and be done. Sadly I had to see her for multiple hours like that and for two days.
I've also noticed sometimes I crack jokes to distract myself from situations like that.

Lots of people came, and were so sweet and all reacted so differently. I was really glad to be there for my mom though, and that all of us kids could be. And all of my Grandmas kids came too :)
-I didn't realize how long we were going to be there so I went from 12-8pm with no food. I felt like a little complaining kids cuz I was STARVING and dizzy from lack of water and food but I made it through! lol We didn't really know everyone even though most was family so it was hard to just sit around doing nothing. They spoke a little at the end. Her second eldest son, my uncle spoke and we learned that she had a really hard life. I never would have guessed! And then he read a letter that my mom wrote to her....that is when my tears almost came. What a beautiful written letter!
Afterwards we went out to eat pizza and it was delicious and hit the spot!!

Friday morning was the funeral. We got up early and ready and headed to the church. I would like to point out that this was the firsts viewing and funeral that I stayed for everything and this is the first non Mormon funeral I've been too.
We as a family had to surround and watch them close the casket, wow that's really hard. I think because its closing her off and you truly wont see her on earth again. I could of cried then but I held back because I wasn't going to cry, I wasn't going to let myself do that because I know she is in a better place, and happy and healthy and I will see her again.

After that was the service, to be honest I felt SUPER uncomfortable over it. Its just a lot I don't know, and not what we do funeral wise. And when you don't know why they do what they do and don't know when to repeat things you feel weird. But it was interesting to watch. Then we met at the graveyard to say a few words and they buried her.

Later we all met again to hang out and then even later to talk and laugh some more. It's a beautiful thing and I think she would be truly happy that a lot of us all could come and we enjoyed our time together.

Saturday morning my dad dropped me off at the airport. I was ready to come home and Spencer did an amazing job watching the boys and I'm very thankful to him!

On my first flight this video came to mind
Men's Hearts Shall Fail Them- Elder Russell M. Nelson
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EMwKxmTLaCs

And as I was on that plane looking out the window at the wing, I thought to myself if this plane were to come crashing down how would I feel. And wow Peace, and calm enveloped me. I felt such at peace with my life and how i'm living it and the choices I've made lately that if I had to die in that moment I was really okay with it. (the crashing and painful part of the plane going down wouldn't be awesome to feel and look forward to lol) And how much love I felt from Heavenly Father that he was proud of the choices I have been making. I would hate to leave my loved ones behind but I knew that if it was time, I was at total peace with it. It opened my eyes to life and how blessed I truly am. Doesn't mean that i'm mistake free or that I won't continue to do somethings wrong but that I am on the right path and I know he is very happy with me. A scripture had come to mind with this, its one of my favorites: John 14: 27 "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."

I safely arrived home and missed my husband and kids so much and I know they missed me <3
It was a trip that I didn't know I needed, but I feel changed and refreshed!

I miss Grandma Moore but it was her time and I know that she is looking down on all of us and smiling. And that even though she had some very hard moments in life she let them go and put them in the past, which is what we all should do. Move forward =]

what do they see

Recently I've wondered what little kids and babies see in people. I'm sure they see things differently then adults, they've seen Heavenly Father more recently then us.

I always wondered why certain little ones preferred certain people over others.
Some you can totally wonder why because 1 person is kind and nice and clean. But sometimes its someone who isn't nice and may be dirty.

I was thinking that maybe when its an unlikely person its because they can see that persons heart and know they are better then they portray on the outside. Or maybe they sense that person needs love or a simple smile from someone.

And just because they might not like you doesn't mean your a bad person. I've been in both situations. And sometimes the days little ones love me it's when I've needed that for whatever reason.

But if you think about it as adults there are times we feel a certain way about a complete stranger, good feeling or bad feeling. And the way react about that feeling is on us.

Babies especially those that can't talk yet probably have a lot more going on in their heads then we think. I wish I knew what they were thinking in those situations and my own children's thoughts lol

But I don't even understand my own thoughts that go through my head. They go ALL over and never at rest lol

The Lord, without equivocation, has declared, “I have commanded you to bring up your children in light and truth” (D&C 93:40).

May I return again to the words of Brigham Young: “Let it be your constant care that the children that God has so kindly given you are taught in their early youth the importance of the oracles of God, and the beauty of the principles of our holy religion, that when they grow to the years of man and womanhood they may always cherish a tender regard for them and never forsake the truth.” ⁴ 

change your point of view

Let's be honest any one who's a stay at home mom has probably said once "I need a vacation from my vacation." Once you become a parent especially one that stays one your going on vacation with your job (watching and taking care of your kids which only is harder because their schedules are off and your in a new place)

It's hard to be excited for a vacation sometimes for the following reasons:

Less sleep either because of the children or because it's just not the same bed
Cranky children & let's be honest sometimes the adults too
Eating habits are messed up
Exercise is messed up
Too cold/too hot
Drama
Changes in plans
Sicknesses
Miscommunication
Owies

Sometimes I think about all of these things and want a vacation with Spencer, a friend, or alone but forget about all the wonderful things to vacations with your family and little kids

Lots of laughter
Tan lines
Family bonding time
Seeing new places
Cuddling with my kids at night which I never do (because they don't sleep well in a bed with us but it's sweet moments I get with them)
Lots of fun pictures
Spending time with new friends or family they don't see often anymore

Our drive to Utah was not too bad, the kids actually did really well. The hotel stay to break up the drive was a bit rough. The hotel didn't have pack n plays like I thought and our kids especially Jackson don't sleep well with us (outside of a crib like bed) so we didn't get to bed until midnight or later but from that I got the sweetest picture of our boys sleeping side by side and we slept in a bed together as a family. Spencer and I also got to know a little more about our boys. Jackson's is a squirmer (maybe not as much if he is in j is own bed) Isaac is a noise maker (not a ton but says maybe a word or two, and will sometimes yell or cry in his sleep)
Thankfully none of them snored =)

In Utah we packed plans in to see friends and family and it was crazy but so worth it! We took one day were we changed plans to stay in town more and that was perfect and needed.
Isaac had his "I scared" moments because we were in a new place and it didn't matter if he was exhausted.
So through that we helped him with learning to Pray to Heavenly Father to send angels to watch over and protect, we got him a glowstick and a big chase(from paw patrol) stuffed animal.
And Jackson we thought was getting a cold but realized he has allergies in Utah so medicine and oils helped him sleep through the night most times and his eczema came back right away (we love Oregon for taking this away)
We flipped Jackson forward facing and he seems to love it (now I can see if he is getting into trouble )

I had some relaxing times like the Spa with my sister, and got to see my whole family. I don't remember all the funny moments or things they said but I know we had a great time.
It's funny because I felt like we never left. I love friends and family that live there but I don't ever want to move back. Oregon became my home very quickly and I don't want to leave it.

We then arrived in Idaho and celebrated more birthdays (we did in Utah too). We met up with Spencer's dad and the tour group he was busing around. It was a group of Chinese people and they gawk at kids they love them so much. I felt like my kids were celebrities it was funny.

Then that night Jackson woke up throwing up. It was sad but he cuddled a lot...so we had to do a lot of laundry. And he was loving on daddy so daddy got a nice bonding time with him. Sunday evening he is doing better. He slept better got water sickish because he gags on mucous like his daddy always struggled with. Jackson is always exhausted and me too! I've constantly felt each night I've taken a sleeping pill because I just want to pass out a few mins after waking up. It's from all these nights with waking up in the middle of the night a lot. Lol and just traveling in general with children is exhausting. But it's been great to see family and friends and have a good time together, change up the routine again.
I'm very proud of my boys they've been fairly well behaved!
Tonight if Jackson is still feeling better Spencer and I were going to celebrate our soon to be 5th wedding anniversary! (June 18th) I'm excited because we've been so busy on the trip it will be nice to have a little down time with no kids to worry about (let's me honest I will still be doing some worrying, I can't help it)

I haven't been exercising like I had planned to, and scripture reading has been sparse and of course eating hasn't been the best but it's okay because when we get home I will be right back to it. Right now is family time which has been needed.
So I've changed my point of view