The end of life

My last grandparent passed away on Monday, Grandma Moore (my moms mom). I think death in general always makes you think about life more deeply. I knew it was coming soon and I wasn't totally sad because the last few years of her life she was slowly slipping away but doesn't mean I didn't ache over it.
In general though i'm not one to cry right away when i'm hurt especially in front of people. Maybe its because I feel it makes me weak or when I do cry I then can't control it. It's not easy to stop and i'd rather not look like a mess in front of people and so exposed. But maybe not crying also makes people think i'm being rude..... I am usually more broken inside over things then I may look on the outside. Neither way is wrong but just thought i'd explain who I am.

So fairly last minute I quickly got a plane ticket and Spencer stayed home with the boys and I headed to Iowa. My sweet friend dropped me off at the airport Wednesday morning and I arrived in Iowa Wednesday night.

Back story: My parents are both originally from Iowa and most of the family has stayed in Iowa, since moving to Utah we don't get to go see them very often. It was sad it took my grandmas death to get pretty much all of us there but it was MUCH needed!

My family especially the Tripp side (my moms side) are weird and crazy and I love it!

My parents picked my brother and I up from the airport and my sisters were already in the car. The little drive to my Uncle Fred's house brought back awesome memories from growing up. It rarely ever is just the parents and us kids alone now that we all have little families of our own. The joking around and laughing just made me so happy that I could be there.

Side note: I had no phone service while in Iowa :/ which was super hard for me lol If I had internet I could do a few things but I was phoneless. I think I really needed to be though.

Thursday afternoon we went over to my Uncle Larry's house to get together with more family before the viewing that evening. BEST DAY EVER, we all laughed so hard my cheeks hurt and I got a headache. I just loved every minute of it, it brought back fun times as a kid only this time I was part of the grown up crazy conversations. So our family is crazy especially all together but what I love is our relationship status's are all different, we are different color, and different religions, and now live all over but when we come together that doesn't matter at all! We have so much love and life for each other. It touched my heart and made me realize how important and amazing relationship with family is. You don't have to see each other daily to know that we care.

The viewing was interesting. I think open caskets are good and bad and everyone thinks differently. For me the few days before she died the pictures I saw of her were horrible, it wasn't the grandma I knew and remembered. When I saw it was open casket I was very nervous. But when I saw here WOW she looked AMAZING! And it made me not so sad but I will say she looked like a wax figure and when I would glance over I kept thinking she was going to pop awake lol
For me I would rather see once quick and then close and be done. Sadly I had to see her for multiple hours like that and for two days.
I've also noticed sometimes I crack jokes to distract myself from situations like that.

Lots of people came, and were so sweet and all reacted so differently. I was really glad to be there for my mom though, and that all of us kids could be. And all of my Grandmas kids came too :)
-I didn't realize how long we were going to be there so I went from 12-8pm with no food. I felt like a little complaining kids cuz I was STARVING and dizzy from lack of water and food but I made it through! lol We didn't really know everyone even though most was family so it was hard to just sit around doing nothing. They spoke a little at the end. Her second eldest son, my uncle spoke and we learned that she had a really hard life. I never would have guessed! And then he read a letter that my mom wrote to her....that is when my tears almost came. What a beautiful written letter!
Afterwards we went out to eat pizza and it was delicious and hit the spot!!

Friday morning was the funeral. We got up early and ready and headed to the church. I would like to point out that this was the firsts viewing and funeral that I stayed for everything and this is the first non Mormon funeral I've been too.
We as a family had to surround and watch them close the casket, wow that's really hard. I think because its closing her off and you truly wont see her on earth again. I could of cried then but I held back because I wasn't going to cry, I wasn't going to let myself do that because I know she is in a better place, and happy and healthy and I will see her again.

After that was the service, to be honest I felt SUPER uncomfortable over it. Its just a lot I don't know, and not what we do funeral wise. And when you don't know why they do what they do and don't know when to repeat things you feel weird. But it was interesting to watch. Then we met at the graveyard to say a few words and they buried her.

Later we all met again to hang out and then even later to talk and laugh some more. It's a beautiful thing and I think she would be truly happy that a lot of us all could come and we enjoyed our time together.

Saturday morning my dad dropped me off at the airport. I was ready to come home and Spencer did an amazing job watching the boys and I'm very thankful to him!

On my first flight this video came to mind
Men's Hearts Shall Fail Them- Elder Russell M. Nelson
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EMwKxmTLaCs

And as I was on that plane looking out the window at the wing, I thought to myself if this plane were to come crashing down how would I feel. And wow Peace, and calm enveloped me. I felt such at peace with my life and how i'm living it and the choices I've made lately that if I had to die in that moment I was really okay with it. (the crashing and painful part of the plane going down wouldn't be awesome to feel and look forward to lol) And how much love I felt from Heavenly Father that he was proud of the choices I have been making. I would hate to leave my loved ones behind but I knew that if it was time, I was at total peace with it. It opened my eyes to life and how blessed I truly am. Doesn't mean that i'm mistake free or that I won't continue to do somethings wrong but that I am on the right path and I know he is very happy with me. A scripture had come to mind with this, its one of my favorites: John 14: 27 "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."

I safely arrived home and missed my husband and kids so much and I know they missed me <3
It was a trip that I didn't know I needed, but I feel changed and refreshed!

I miss Grandma Moore but it was her time and I know that she is looking down on all of us and smiling. And that even though she had some very hard moments in life she let them go and put them in the past, which is what we all should do. Move forward =]